War on the home front

Ever braved a game of Risk with your family?

If you have, you know from personal experience that just like in international politics, each family unit consists of individual empires, each striving to establish itself in the world.

The problem is that in the real world, a family’s goal is to live in peace, not to destroy, dominate, and overtake each other until one member comes out the clear winner. But let’s face it: not all of us are as neutral as Switzerland.

Conflict arises, and when it does, how do you deal with it?

Conflict styles
Each person, according to family relationship specialist Sam Vuchinich, has their own conflict style, which is usually inherited from their own family experience growing up. The combination of individual conflict styles within a family results in a joined family conflict style.

Firstly, there’s the all-out power battle. Think of all the movies you’ve seen about World War I in the trenches. There’s rarely a resolution – just incessant firing of rounds at each other and a stalemate as each side challenges or defends the balance of power. It’s unlikely that anybody actually wins in this situation, and there are plenty of casualties. Nothing is sacred, and all resources are utilised to win the fight. After a while you forget what you are fighting about – you just fight.

Secondly, there’s the cold war. Like the United States and the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics, no direct shots are actually fired, but the underlying chill is enough to freeze diplomatic relations. The real issues are never addressed, and resentment grows as the days, months, and years go by. Of course, like in the Cold War, you may utilise subsidiaries to do your dirty work for you – i.e. get other family members to take a side.

Lastly, there’s the constructive conflict model. Unfortunately international history doesn’t give us a lot of good examples to illustrate this point, so imagine this: rather than avoid an issue, two countries get together and address the issue, listen to each other, and seek to rationally resolve the problem.

The first two conflict styles, says Vuchinich, are destructive for relationships. In the power struggle, positive family bonds are destroyed and in the cold war, the avoidance of issues results in covert conflict and mistrust. Yet these are often the intuitive responses we have when conflict arises, and it’s important to remember that children will ultimately replicate the family style of conflict in their relationships too.

What sparks conflict?

Conflict can be the result of a one-off disagreement, and it’s important to realise that disagreements in themselves aren’t bad. They aren’t necessarily the telltale of an unhealthy relationship, in fact, they’re nigh inevitable. It’s how they are resolved that can make a bond stronger or break it irreparably. 
Some common events/occurrences that can trigger disagreements/conflict include:

•    The birth of a baby

•    Unemployment

•    Financial difficulties

•    Problems with in-laws

•    Trying to juggle busy schedules

•    The serious illness of a family member

•    Parenting style

•    Conflicting priorities

All of these circumstances illustrate the prime reason why family conflicts are more deeply felt than other conflicts – the emotional bond that family member have with each other, and the longevity that is expected of them. Workplace conflict can be stressful, yet few people expect to remain in their job for as much as 10 years. Family bonds are expected to last a lifetime.
Ironically, the key to fixing disagreements is more often than not the indirect source of the conflict itself – communication. Communication, the lack thereof, or even miscommunication, is usually the root cause of family conflict whether it’s between spouses, siblings, a parent and child, or even extended family. What your child thought you said could be very different to what you actually said or meant, and left un-dealt with can cause schisms in your relationship.

Mending the breach

If you have had years of total war or a cold war, it can be incredibly difficult to break that pattern. To even suggest communicating in a different way can be setting off a flare that leaves you open to incoming fire. In these cases, a professional counsellor can help you to mend past conflicts so that you can move on in a new and healthy style of conflict management.
With a little work and patience, it’s possible to keep conflict from spiralling out of control, and to positively resolve all negatives. The key lies in setting your anger aside and discussing your differences calmly and respectfully.

Get to the root of the problem

First, it’s important to understand the source of the conflict. Is it an isolated disagreement, miscommunication or part of something larger? If the family has undergone a major change recently, you may need to take that into account.
Don’t allow the situation to fester – it won’t fix itself. A poorly-managed conflict also raises the risk that children will develop behavioural problems, and the stress of unresolved conflict can affect the health and wellbeing of adults in the household too.

Managing the conflict

Whatever the cause of the disagreement, it’s important to move forward with respect and understanding. Set some basic ground rules that the whole family knows:

•    Replace yelling with calm voices.

•    No name-calling should be allowed.

•    Give everyone a chance to speak.

•    Be respectful of differing opinions.

•    Look for a compromise everyone can agree to.

In many cases these things are easier said than done. If so, here are some tips to keep in mind as you work toward a resolution:

•    Face the issues head on. If you are avoiding a conflict, try to figure out why. Also, appeasement never worked for Chamberlain, and it seldom works as a policy in personal relationships either. One person is likely to develop resentment over time, leaving the relationship unbalanced.

•    Take time-outs. It’s okay to feel angry, but don’t let it control your behaviour. If you start feeling too angry, call a time-out. Cool down and think things through. Remember though, time-out is not the “silent treatment”. It’s not a form of punishment or a way to avoid the issue.

•    Analyse what you fight about. If you often fight about the same thing, take a look at the root causes. Think deeply about why your family is always arguing about these matters. Accept your part in any conflict, and take responsibility for your own actions.

•    Know your bottom line. Think about what you will and won’t accept. Ask yourself if you are compromising your principles, or being overly rigid.

•    Hold family meetings. Set aside time for family members to discuss their feelings on issues that affect them. You can use these meetings to come to agreements and resolve conflicts.

Addressing conflict in a healthy way may require a little trial and error and you may make mistakes but take heart: relationship expert John Gottman ascertains, after many years research, that if there are five positive behaviours for each negative behaviour, then relationships can still be healthy.