Negotiating step-parenting
Picture this: you’re in your thirties and in a loving relationship with a wonderful partner. You’ve just bought a new house and run a successful business. Life is good but for one thing: you have a five-year-old stepson. You and your partner share custody, but you are struggling to form a bond with him and the fallout is putting a huge strain on your relationship.
You’re not alone.
Many step-parents across New Zealand struggle with their role. They face four common problem areas; discipline, time, money and conflicting beliefs.
Any parent can struggle with these issues; however, resolving them can be much harder when one partner is not the child’s biological parent.
Discipline is often the first issue that arises and most books and experts say the same thing: take it slowly. The most important thing for a step-parent to do is build a relationship with the child. Don’t discipline them until you have their trust and affection, otherwise they’ll only resent you.
Victoria University psychologist Dr Jan Pryor, who specialises in family issues, agrees.
“I think it is a good idea to go cautiously until a strong relationship is in place. Often parents have different ideas about how to discipline and that can be fraught – the most common form of conflict between parents in a step-family is discipline. It is best for the step-parent to defer to the biological parent’s views.”
Waiting until a strong relationship is formed is all very well, but how to go about building one? Like discipline, this should be taken slowly, Jan says.
“Don’t expect instant love and harmony. It is a good idea for the step-parent to spend time alone with their step-child, doing “ordinary” things such as taking them to sport, going for a walk and playing games. This helps develop the relationship as a unique one, apart from the relationship with the biological parent.”
How quickly a relationship can develop depends on the child’s age.
“Younger children are more likely to accept a step-parent in the family, and to develop a close relationship with them,” Jan says. “In the case of adolescents, sometimes the best you can hope for is to become seen as a friend.
“It is really important to assure the child that the step-parent is not replacing their biological parent, but that there is room in their lives for more than two parents. I have found in my research that if children have a good relationship with their non-resident parents, they are more likely to have a good one with their step-parent and resident biological parent. Children are capable of having positive relationships with a number of parenting figures if the adults handle it well.”
The introduction of your own child can bring a raft of new issues, such as how to ensure he or she and your stepchild are treated equally. Julie, 34, has one stepson. She has just had her first child and struggles with her differing feelings for the two children.
“I don’t like to think of myself as the kind of person who would favour my own child over a step-child, but I don’t have that same natural bond with my stepson and I wonder if I’ll ever love him like I do my own,” she says.
Jan says some step-parents are unable to treat their step-children as their own. This can impact on the step-child, in which case it’s important for the biological parent to spend time alone with him or her to provide reassurance of their love.
Having a half sibling can actually be a good thing for a child if you handle it correctly, Jan says.
“Such children often feel close to the new baby because he/she is related.”
The main thing to remember is you’re not alone; there is plenty of support out there so don’t be afraid to seek professional advice. Research shows that most successful step-families have done so at some stage.
For further information contact Barnados (barnados.org.nz), Relationship Services (relate.org.nz) and the NZ Families Commission (nzfamilies.org.nz).
By Justine Southwick
What has worked for you as a step-parent? Email us your thoughts at zn.oc1337367591.semi1337367591tylim1337367591af@ni1337367591mda1337367591 or post your thoughts to us at Family Times, PO Box 36 004, Christchurch.
