What it means to be a dad – part one

Dads have some unique parenting challenges in today’s society, so over the next few issues Family Times will focus on some hot tips just for the guys.

There are lots of different kinds of dads. Whether you are in a two-parent nuclear family, in a stepfamily, have the fulltime care as a single parent, or have your children with you for some of the time, being a dad is your most important job.

In the past, fathers were often the ones who were responsible for discipline and setting rules and mothers did most of the caring. In recent times there has been much more flexibility in what each parent does and a greater sharing of the parenting role. Parenting can be done by either parent, but children still have different experiences with their fathers than with their mothers.

Children are lucky if they have a dad who is really involved in their lives, who knows their friends and is interested in how they spend their day. It really helps if they know that they are loved and cared for by both parents.

What does it mean to be a dad?
Sometimes fathers feel unsure about what is expected of them. This is partly because there is no clear delineation between “men’s work” and “women’s work” any more. Many fathers know what they don’t want to do from memories of their own childhoods, but they aren’t sure what they should do.

There is no one right way and no recipe for being a dad, but the most important gift that you can give to your children is your love. This means getting to know them and being involved in their lives so they also get to know you. It means spending time with your children and making the most of the time you spend with them. 

Some things that all dads can do

•    What children say they want from fathers:

o    "Do things together."
o    "Sit and talk."
o    "Don’t work so much."

•    Talk about your feelings so that your children learn that it is okay for men to talk about feelings. Talk about when you feel sad and happy.

•    Spend time with your daughters. You are the first man that your daughters really know. It will help them to feel good about being female if they see that you enjoy your time with them and you respect women. You are helping them to learn how to expect men to treat them when they grow up.

•    Show your sons how you would like them to be when they are men. To learn this, boys need to spend time with you and with other men. They will learn much more from what you do than from what you say.

•    Enjoy your children’s company – get involved, read, play, have fun, do things together.

•    Take your children to work with you sometimes if you can. Let them get to know how you spend your days when they are not with you.

•    Being out of work and having money worries can make problems for parents, but it may also mean that you have time to give to your children. Make this time special so they will remember it all their lives.

•    Comfort them. Children, even tiny babies, can get a special feeling of security from being comforted by their dads when they are frightened or upset.

•    Read to your children – starting from birth. It really helps to create a strong bond with them. Reading books can simply be looking at pictures, or enjoying being together. Bedtime is a great time for stories.

•    Play with your children. Fathers often enjoy active and tumble play. Children can learn a lot from this sort of play with their fathers. They learn that you can be strong and have fun while being gentle, always stopping before things get out of hand.

•    Help your children with their sport or hobbies by attending their games and maybe even coaching or helping out with their team.

•    Share your own interests and hobbies with them by involving them in what you do.

•    Share your child’s life. Go to school and preschool parent nights, to the doctor, to the park and shopping.
•    Encourage your children to explore the world and find out about new things to do and try.

•    Teach your children about rules and laws. Teach by what you do, as well as what you tell them. Stick to what you believe is right and in their interests, even if it annoys them.

•    Encourage your children to stick at a problem even if it is hard.
•    Expect your children to do their best and be proud of them when they do, but be proud of them when they try, but fail.

•    Don’t push your children into doing things you wanted to do and missed out on. They need to live their own lives.

•    Show your love in different ways if you find it hard to say you love them. It doesn’t need a lot of talking to:

o    take your children fishing
o    help them with their homework
o    go for a walk in the park
o    cheer at a school football or netball match

What matters most for children is how you are a dad. Even if you are not a full-time dad your children need to know that you care about them and you will look after them.

Part two next issue.

By Children, Youth and Women’s Health Service, www.parenting.sa.gov.au.