Blending families

The idea of family is a rapidly evolving concept in today’s society. 

According to the Cambridge dictionary, family is “a group of people who are related to each other, such as a mother, a father, and their children”. The reality, at grass roots, is very different.

Cambridge encapsulates the ideal that most grow up with, and never dream they will deviate from. No glowing bride or nervous groom takes that step of commitment into matrimony dreaming of plan B, or expecting to be one of the third of marriages that fail in New Zealand. No one anticipates tragedy that robs them of their life partner. Just like the fairy tales that Western society is bred on, people believe in happily ever after.

Sometimes reality bites. Statistics New Zealand data show that there were 21,900 marriages registered to New Zealand residents in 2008, and 9700 divorces. One third of New Zealanders who married in 1983 had divorced before their silver wedding anniversary. There are no official statistics related to de facto couples who split, or those who have lost their life partner through death.

Inevitably, many mums and dads who find themselves without their life partner at some stage find a new partner. That new partner may have children of their own that they bring into the relationship, which creates a whole new set of challenges and blurred boundaries around what family means and how it works.

Most families are not sure what to expect from a new, co-joined family unit. After all, fairytales haven’t exactly been kind to blended families. Take Cinderella and her evil stepmother and stepsisters for example. It makes for a good story, but there is also a truth to be found in it: children are bound to battle for their parent’s affection, whether it’s with new step-siblings or the new father/mother. 

On the other hand there’s the Brady bunch with their sugar-coated, big, happy blended family that simply sings and dances their way through life without having to deal with the real issues that blended families have. No overnight stays at the “other dad’s/mum’s” house; no challenging the new step-parent’s discipline/role; no rebellious teens screaming “you’re not my real mum/dad”.

The reality of life in a blended family is probably somewhere in the middle of Cinderella and the Brady bunch. It has its challenges, but it can have its good times too.

How to make it work
Blended families are like babies; they don’t come with an instruction booklet. The reason for that is that each situation is as unique as a new child. There are different personalities involved, and the combination of those personalities has an impact on how the new family unit functions.
The dissolution of the nuclear family, and then creating a blended family, can be an emotionally stressful time for all involved; the new blended family parents, the ex-partners, the children, and the extended family.

How you go about starting a blended family has a big impact on its success, according to cognitive behavioural therapist James Krehbiel. “One of the pitfalls of the blended family,” he says, “is introducing children into the new family system prematurely.”

Couples can force a new partner into their children’s lives out of the sheer excitement of their new relationship, without considering the impact on the children. “The grieving and healing process of divorce takes time,” he says, “and “forcing” a new partner into the lives of children may backfire. Children must be emotionally prepared to adequately deal with the ramifications of new family members or they will increasingly learn to resent the changes.”

When you do feel that the time is right to introduce a new partner into your children’s lives, and eventually blend families, there is a whole other raft of challenges. You may love your new partner, but not automatically feel the same bond with their children – and vice versa. As the adult, it’s important to look at the situation from the perspective of the children, and their needs. A two-year-old girl may have different physical and emotional needs than a 12-year-old boy, but their fundamental needs are the same. Help Guide, a not-for-profit organisation that works with blended families, states that all children want to feel:

•    Safe and secure – Children want to be able to count on their parents. Children of divorce have already felt the upset of having people let them down, and may not be eager to give second chances to their parents or step-parents.

•    Loved – Kids like to see and feel your affection, although it should be a gradual process.

•    Seen and valued – Kids often feel unimportant or invisible when it comes to decision making in the new blended family. Recognise their integral role in the family when you are making decisions.

•    Heard and emotionally connected to – Kids are eager for real connection and understanding. Creating an honest and open environment free of judgment will help them feel heard. Show them that you can view the situation from their perspective.

•    Appreciated and encouraged – Children of all ages respond to praise and encouragement and like to feel appreciated for their contribution.

•    Limits and boundaries – Children may not think they need limits, but a lack of boundaries sends a signal that the child is unworthy of the parents’ time, care and attention. As a new step-parent, you shouldn’t step in as the enforcer at first, but work with your spouse to set limits.

If you are a new spouse joining an already-established family unit, there are challenges too. Parenting author Beth Strong says the new step-parent can feel like an outsider who is joining a team that has been going strong for years.

“There are hundreds of “inside jokes”, secret non-verbal communication that has developed naturally between parent and child, between siblings, and lots of subtle references made about people who are known only to the biological family.”

The key is not to force relationships; let them develop naturally. Keep open communication with all family members, and remember: good things take time.

Families facing their first holiday season as a blended family have an exciting and challenging time ahead. Holiday occasions, such as Christmas, can exacerbate underlying issues and ignite conflict within the blended family and with former partners. Parenting author Cathy Meyer says one of the keys to reducing stress around holiday time is to plan well in advance.

“You have to be flexible and realise that gifts and Christmas celebrations can take place either on Christmas Eve, Christmas morning or even Boxing Day. There’s no need to fight over who will be where at what time if you are flexible and realise it isn’t about the date but the season and the celebration.

“If you have children who are spending a holiday away from the other parent, let that child know that it is okay to feel sadness and to express how they are feeling.”

Establishing new traditions within the blended family (not necessarily at the expense of former nuclear family traditions) is another way to bring the family together at Christmas. It might take years to establish traditions, but they are the cement that holds a family together.

If you are in a blended family, you don’t have to face its challenges alone. There are plenty of organisations in New Zealand that can offer help/counselling/advice, and they’re just a phone call away.