What it means to be a dad – part one
Dads have some unique parenting challenges in today’s society, so over the next few issues Family Times will focus on some hot tips just for the guys.
There are lots of different kinds of dads. Whether you are in a two-parent nuclear family, in a stepfamily, have the fulltime care as a single parent, or have your children with you for some of the time, being a dad is your most important job.
In the past, fathers were often the ones who were responsible for discipline and setting rules and mothers did most of the caring. In recent times there has been much more flexibility in what each parent does and a greater sharing of the parenting role. Parenting can be done by either parent, but children still have different experiences with their fathers than with their mothers.
Children are lucky if they have a dad who is really involved in their lives, who knows their friends and is interested in how they spend their day. It really helps if they know that they are loved and cared for by both parents.
What does it mean to be a dad?
Sometimes fathers feel unsure about what is expected of them. This is partly because there is no clear delineation between “men’s work” and “women’s work” any more. Many fathers know what they don’t want to do from memories of their own childhoods, but they aren’t sure what they should do.
There is no one right way and no recipe for being a dad, but the most important gift that you can give to your children is your love. This means getting to know them and being involved in their lives so they also get to know you. It means spending time with your children and making the most of the time you spend with them.
Some things that all dads can do
• What children say they want from fathers:
o "Do things together."
o "Sit and talk."
o "Don’t work so much."
• Talk about your feelings so that your children learn that it is okay for men to talk about feelings. Talk about when you feel sad and happy.
• Spend time with your daughters. You are the first man that your daughters really know. It will help them to feel good about being female if they see that you enjoy your time with them and you respect women. You are helping them to learn how to expect men to treat them when they grow up.
• Show your sons how you would like them to be when they are men. To learn this, boys need to spend time with you and with other men. They will learn much more from what you do than from what you say.
• Enjoy your children’s company – get involved, read, play, have fun, do things together.
• Take your children to work with you sometimes if you can. Let them get to know how you spend your days when they are not with you.
• Being out of work and having money worries can make problems for parents, but it may also mean that you have time to give to your children. Make this time special so they will remember it all their lives.
• Comfort them. Children, even tiny babies, can get a special feeling of security from being comforted by their dads when they are frightened or upset.
• Read to your children – starting from birth. It really helps to create a strong bond with them. Reading books can simply be looking at pictures, or enjoying being together. Bedtime is a great time for stories.
• Play with your children. Fathers often enjoy active and tumble play. Children can learn a lot from this sort of play with their fathers. They learn that you can be strong and have fun while being gentle, always stopping before things get out of hand.
• Help your children with their sport or hobbies by attending their games and maybe even coaching or helping out with their team.
• Share your own interests and hobbies with them by involving them in what you do.
• Share your child’s life. Go to school and preschool parent nights, to the doctor, to the park and shopping.
• Encourage your children to explore the world and find out about new things to do and try.
• Teach your children about rules and laws. Teach by what you do, as well as what you tell them. Stick to what you believe is right and in their interests, even if it annoys them.
• Encourage your children to stick at a problem even if it is hard.
• Expect your children to do their best and be proud of them when they do, but be proud of them when they try, but fail.
• Don’t push your children into doing things you wanted to do and missed out on. They need to live their own lives.
• Show your love in different ways if you find it hard to say you love them. It doesn’t need a lot of talking to:
o take your children fishing
o help them with their homework
o go for a walk in the park
o cheer at a school football or netball match
What matters most for children is how you are a dad. Even if you are not a full-time dad your children need to know that you care about them and you will look after them.
Part two next issue.
By Children, Youth and Women’s Health Service, www.parenting.sa.gov.au.
Kiwi parents say positive discipline works
The Families Commission says its latest report on preschool discipline methods shows positive parenting techniques work for ordinary kiwi families.
Chief commissioner Jan Pryor said the results were encouraging and showed parents tried hard to use techniques they thought were effective.
“Parents told us they preferred to use positive reinforcement with their kids because that is what they think works best.”
Researchers Julie Lawrence and Anne B Smith asked the families to record their discipline practices in parenting diaries for the report.
Parents were three times more likely to use positive reinforcement, praise and affirmation rather than punishment.
When parents did use punishment they were most likely to use “time out” or withdrawal of privileges, with smacking as a last resort.
Most parents were firm but fair in their style of parenting, as opposed to totally authoritarian or permissive said Ms Pryor.
“The majority of parents surveyed say discipline is about getting their children to behave in a socially acceptable way.
“There is also an encouraging indication in this report that our family violence messages, alongside positive parenting information and support, are helping parents find techniques that work for them.”
Support included wider family, friends, written material, and professionals such as early childhood teachers, doctors and Plunket nurses.
The majority of caregivers had three or more support people but some parents had little or none, making it harder for them to positively parent.
The Families Commission-funded report involved interviews with 117 parents from 100 families, and investigated the discipline strategies used by today’s families with their pre-school children.
The study surveyed 98 mothers, 16 fathers, and three grandparents, 10 per cent of whom were M?ori. The families had an average household income of $50,000 – $60,000.
Getting traditional
Wikipedia defines family traditions, also called family culture, as a combination of attitudes, ideas and ideals, and environment, which a person inherits from his/her parents and ancestors.
Put simply, family traditions are the little (and sometimes big) things that glue a family together.
When I was growing up, my sister and I always used to tackle our dad on payday and try to get the money out of his pockets. I guess now that would mean an Eftpos card.
We have a passed-down, secret family recipe for self-saucing chocolate pudding that is leaked to outsiders upon fear of death.
We have little nuances that only we know about, and that makes us family.
The concept of the family unit has changed a lot since “traditional” times, but traditions are still important. If you can’t think of any family traditions that your family adheres to, consider inventing some and sticking to them until they become ingrained. Here are a few ideas to get you thinking:
General traditions
• Each family member gets to choose his/her favourite meal for their birthday
• No one can go to bed until they’ve said goodnight to each family member
• For religious milestones such as baptism or confirmation, a child is given a book of scripture.
• Saturdays are dad’s day to make breakfast with the kids
• Take turns choosing a topic of discussion at the dinner table
• Have a special dinner plate to be used by a family member who has a reason to celebrate
• Tell a story every night before bed
• Keep a family journal, letting everyone write in it
• Establish your own holidays, such as an "unbirthday party"
• Have an annual viewing of a favourite family movie
Christmas traditions
• Have each member of the family draw the name of another member and make a handmade gift for that person
• Collect or make one ornament each year that has special meaning to the family
• Have the children write letters to Santa and place them in their stockings. Write letters in reply from Santa commending each child for his or her good behaviour that year
• As a family, make gingerbread houses, candy trains, or ornaments
• Tell the Christmas story to the children
• As a family, put up Christmas decorations and decorate the tree as a family, making it an event with music and good food
• Drive around the neighbourhood looking at lights and listening to Christmas music
By Vanessa O’Brien
Board games – boredom beaters
Why not set aside some family time each week to play a traditional board game together?
It may be a bit old-fashioned, and few parents these days have time to play games with the children after work, but you may be surprised by how much a family can gain by setting aside one evening a week as a games night.
Games are a great way of bonding, as well as a vehicle for teaching children good social skills. It is also a useful way to reinforce a variety of educational skills.
Children who ordinarily find it difficult to concentrate at the best of times are often absolutely enthralled by even the dustiest old sets of Snakes and Ladders.
Which games?
Your choice may have a lot to do with your own memories of playing games as a child, but do remember to choose games that reflect the age and stage of your children.
To keep more advanced children interested, choose games that are above the level of the youngest player. One way around having a big age gap between players is to allocate duties to each player to help keep the littlest one from getting frustrated. This can also help to create a sense of responsibility and facilitate team work. The oldest players might do the reading or calculating. The youngest child might roll the dice or move the counters.
Some games take longer to complete than others, so it is wise to have a strategy for bringing a game to a close if it starts to drag on for too long.
Rules:
? Turn taking – have a specific order for each player so that no one can dominate. Change this order for each game so that everyone has a chance to start first.
? Gracious winning – you could even play down the importance of winning by playing the game until everyone finishes.
? Agree to the rules of the game before starting, and refer back to them if there is conflict.
Game skills:
Here are some games you might want to try
? Counting games, where counting forwards and backwards is the main activity, such as Snakes and Ladders, Ludo, Sorry and Trouble. These provide practice and reinforcement of addition and subtraction skills. They also encourage social skills such as turn taking.
? Bingo games are also great fun. They are games of chance rather than skill, but you can still teach many skills through Bingo. You can download Bingo games from educational websites to practise rhyming words and letter identification.
? Memory games and snap games are great for just that; memory. It is also excellent for helping children work together to find the illusive card to make the pair.
? Pick -up sticks is great for sensory development; hand and eye coordination. It also develops another great skill: patience.
? Chess and Draughts enable children to think strategically; to predict how others might choose to move and their own response to that.
? Scrabble – Junior Scrabble is a good starting point. Scrabble introduces children to conventions of spelling and to new words.
Keep it together
Here are some tips for keeping all the games in one piece
• Make it the children’s responsibility to put all the pieces away when the game is finished.
• Create a special place for all the games to be put away together in a games cupboard or games shelf.
• Reinforce that games (and all their pieces) should be left undisturbed until the next games night.
By Anna Corballis Fry
Meat and milk the answer to toddlers’ low iron
Increasing red meat intake or drinking iron-fortified milk can counteract falling iron levels commonly affecting toddlers, according to the latest findings from University of Otago.
The university’s department of human nutrition study co-principal investigator Dr Anne-Louise Heath said up to one-third of toddlers in Australia and New Zealand were thought to have low iron levels, which put them at higher risk of developing iron deficiency anaemia.
“Severe iron deficiency can delay brain development and may result in impaired cognitive function and behavioural problems. To safeguard against sliding into this state, it is important to find sustainable ways to prevent the decline in iron levels that often occur in the second year of life.”
The decline was thought to be due to the body’s high iron requirements during that stage of growth, combined with decreased iron intakes. However, little research had been done into toddlers’ nutrition and iron levels, so Dr Heath and colleagues conducted research to determine whether food-based strategies could be an easy and effective way to improve iron status.
Co-investigator Dr Ewa Szymlek-Gay carried out a five-month intervention trial involving 225 New Zealand toddlers and their families.
Blood measurements were taken at the beginning and end of the five month trial. The fortified milk group showed a 44 per cent increase in the concentration of ferritin, a protein that is used to estimate iron stores. Ferritin concentrations remained unchanged in the red meat group and decreased in the non-fortified milk group.
The results showed that either giving toddlers iron-fortified milk or increasing their red meat intake was likely to successfully prevent a decline in their iron stores, Dr Szymlek-Gay said.
Dr Heath said that current nutritional recommendations ideally called for increasing iron levels at that age, and replacing toddlers’ ordinary cow’s milk with fortified milk looked very promising.
“However, in practical terms, both the red meat and fortified milk approaches have their pros and cons.”
One major benefit of using iron-fortified milk was that it did not require radical changes to a toddler’s diet. On the hand, fortified mild was significantly more expensive, said Dr Heath.
“The benefit of taking the red meat approach is that it is inexpensive, and preventing the decline in iron stores should only require a relatively small increase in the amount toddlers eat daily.”
The findings were published online by the American Journal of Clinical Nutrition, the most highly rated peer-reviewed journal in the nutrition and dietetics category.
What national standards mean for parents
Schools with children in years 1 to 8 will use new national standards in reading, writing and mathematics from 2010.
Prime Minister John Key said the new national standards would lift achievement levels for New Zealand children, and give parents plain English reporting on their child’s progress. "As many as one–in-five students are being left behind. We need to identify those students early so they get the help they need to make progress.”
The Government will invest $36 million over four years to support schools to implement the national standards.
The standards were released in October to education sector concern that the narrow focus excluded support for art, music, science and physical education.
New Zealand Education Institute president Frances Nelson said it was important to ensure a focus on improved student achievement across the broader school curriculum, not just in literacy and numeracy.
The Ministry of Education has advised that:
National standards aim to help children do better in reading, writing and mathematics by being clear about what they should be able to do, and by when.
From 2010, parents, families and wh?nau with children in years 1 to 8 will receive written reports twice each year on how their child is doing in reading, writing and mathematics in relation to the standards. Teachers will use a range of assessments to make an overall teacher judgment to work out where a child is at and what their next learning steps are.
Children start at different learning points and progress at different rates, so both the progress rate and actual achievement are important.
National standards written reports should include:
• Your child’s goals and how they are progressing towards those goals
• Your child’s progress and achievement in relation to reading, writing and mathematics, reported as: above the standard, at the standard, below the standard or well below the standard
• The results of assessment
• Ways you can support your child’s learning
• What the teacher and school will do to support your child’s learning.
Each school could decide to include national standards reporting as part of its current reporting process on all curriculum areas, or it could develop a separate way of reporting.
You can talk to the teacher, make suggestions and ask questions about the information in your child’s written reports at parent-teacher meetings and during informal discussions at any time during the year.
National standards reports on your child’s progress and achievement in reading, writing and mathematics will help you to:
• Be more aware of how your child is doing at school and what’s being done to help them learn
• Identify any learning difficulties early and how these will be addressed
• Follow your child’s learning progress over time
• Understand what you can do to support your child’s learning
• Be informed and know what questions to ask when discussing your child’s education with teachers and the school.
During 2010, you will receive your child’s first progress report showing their progress and achievements in reading, writing and mathematics in relation to the national standards. Your child’s school will let you know when to expect this.
From 2011, schools will also report to the community on the school-wide progress and achievement against the national standards.
Nga Whanaketanga Ramaki Maori – Maori-medium national standards will be trialled in 2010. The trial will also include consultation with schools, parents, families and whanau.
Single sex schools give boys advantage
Kiwi boys can buck the trend and educationally outperform girls when they attend single sex schools, according to new research.
Research from the long-running Christchurch Health and Development Study at the University of Otago, Christchurch, showed that single-sex schooling might help to reduce the gender gap in educational achievement, producing a situation in which boys had a slight advantage over girls.
The study showed that there were clear differences between the two school types in both the size and direction of the gender gap.
For students who attended single-sex secondary schools, there was a slight tendency for males to outperform females. In contrast, for students who attended coeducational schools, there was a clear tendency for females to outperform males. That pattern continued when students were followed up to the age of 25.
The results held even after accounting for factors associated with attendance at single-sex and coeducational schools, said principal researcher Sheree Gibb.
“These findings are consistent with the argument that attending single-sex schools reduces or mitigates the current gap between boys and girls in educational achievement.”
The effects of single-sex schooling on the gender gap were evident not only in the attainment of secondary school qualifications, but also attendance at university, and in the attainment of bachelors degrees.
She said this study also provided evidence that the effects of single-sex and co-ed schools on the gender gap in educational achievement continued long after students had left school, and even up to the age of 25.
The study suggested that the ways in which schools were organised and structured might have considerable impact on gender gaps in educational achievement. The gaps might be able to be reduced by identifying the particular features of single-sex schooling that were responsible for reducing male disadvantage in achievement.
The study, published in the Australian Journal of Education, was based on comparisons of the educational achievements of more than 900 boys and girls who attended single-sex and coeducational secondary schools in New Zealand.
It examined whether the size and direction of the gender gap in educational achievement was different at single-sex and coeducational secondary schools.
This study was funded by the Health Research Council of New Zealand.
The mobile phone dilemma
The right age at which to give your child a mobile phone is a tough call to make.
Research has shown that most American children aged eight plus had a mobile phone of their own, and in the UK a mobile phone was developed specifically for four- to eight-year-olds.
In New Zealand, 13-year-olds could legally operate phone banking through their personal mobile, but children even younger could do so with parental approval.
Pluses and minuses exist for children having mobile phones. Some research has warned there could be health impacts for young children using mobile phones, although evidence was not conclusive. On the other hand, a mobile could be a lifeline for a child in a time of emergency.
Whatever age you chose to give your child a mobile, the important thing would be to define clear guidelines for its usage, i.e. for emergency only, limited texting to approved numbers, or whatever parameters are determined necessary.
Parents should also consider that mobile phones could have unforeseen consequences for their children. Although they can be a tool for friendship, all too commonly they become a tool for bullying. Here are some tips on text bullying from www.teamup.co.nz.
Text bullying
Text bullying has become a common form of bullying and is a growing problem among youth.
All bullying is serious, but bullying texts can be sent fast and anonymously by lots of people, so it is especially serious.
Why text bullying is serious
Text bullies often use extreme language, because they feel anonymous and safe and their victim is out of sight. It can be very upsetting to be text bullied because texts can be sent after school, at night, and even on weekends.
There are special risks attached to text bullying:
• Research has shown that some New Zealand children have access to mobile phones without their parents knowing
• The bullying doesn’t stop when school is finished. Parents report children receiving texts during school holidays, at weekends and late at night
• Because the victim is out of sight, the language and content of the texts can be more extreme, and so even more harmful
• The anonymous nature of text bullying can encourage bullies to feel safe – thinking they won’t get caught – but the victim can feel even more intimidated
• Many children don’t tell their parents if they receive bullying texts in case the mobile phone is taken off them
What can parents do?
Tell your child to:
• tell you every time they are text bullied
• keep the messages, but don’t respond
How you can help:
• Ask the mobile phone provider to change your child’s mobile phone number or have the bully’s number blocked
• See www.netsafe.org for more ideas
• If the school bans mobile phones, make sure your child leaves theirs at home
• Talk to your child about acceptable and unacceptable ways to use a phone
Blending families
The idea of family is a rapidly evolving concept in today’s society.
According to the Cambridge dictionary, family is “a group of people who are related to each other, such as a mother, a father, and their children”. The reality, at grass roots, is very different.
Cambridge encapsulates the ideal that most grow up with, and never dream they will deviate from. No glowing bride or nervous groom takes that step of commitment into matrimony dreaming of plan B, or expecting to be one of the third of marriages that fail in New Zealand. No one anticipates tragedy that robs them of their life partner. Just like the fairy tales that Western society is bred on, people believe in happily ever after.
Sometimes reality bites. Statistics New Zealand data show that there were 21,900 marriages registered to New Zealand residents in 2008, and 9700 divorces. One third of New Zealanders who married in 1983 had divorced before their silver wedding anniversary. There are no official statistics related to de facto couples who split, or those who have lost their life partner through death.
Inevitably, many mums and dads who find themselves without their life partner at some stage find a new partner. That new partner may have children of their own that they bring into the relationship, which creates a whole new set of challenges and blurred boundaries around what family means and how it works.
Most families are not sure what to expect from a new, co-joined family unit. After all, fairytales haven’t exactly been kind to blended families. Take Cinderella and her evil stepmother and stepsisters for example. It makes for a good story, but there is also a truth to be found in it: children are bound to battle for their parent’s affection, whether it’s with new step-siblings or the new father/mother.
On the other hand there’s the Brady bunch with their sugar-coated, big, happy blended family that simply sings and dances their way through life without having to deal with the real issues that blended families have. No overnight stays at the “other dad’s/mum’s” house; no challenging the new step-parent’s discipline/role; no rebellious teens screaming “you’re not my real mum/dad”.
The reality of life in a blended family is probably somewhere in the middle of Cinderella and the Brady bunch. It has its challenges, but it can have its good times too.
How to make it work
Blended families are like babies; they don’t come with an instruction booklet. The reason for that is that each situation is as unique as a new child. There are different personalities involved, and the combination of those personalities has an impact on how the new family unit functions.
The dissolution of the nuclear family, and then creating a blended family, can be an emotionally stressful time for all involved; the new blended family parents, the ex-partners, the children, and the extended family.
How you go about starting a blended family has a big impact on its success, according to cognitive behavioural therapist James Krehbiel. “One of the pitfalls of the blended family,” he says, “is introducing children into the new family system prematurely.”
Couples can force a new partner into their children’s lives out of the sheer excitement of their new relationship, without considering the impact on the children. “The grieving and healing process of divorce takes time,” he says, “and “forcing” a new partner into the lives of children may backfire. Children must be emotionally prepared to adequately deal with the ramifications of new family members or they will increasingly learn to resent the changes.”
When you do feel that the time is right to introduce a new partner into your children’s lives, and eventually blend families, there is a whole other raft of challenges. You may love your new partner, but not automatically feel the same bond with their children – and vice versa. As the adult, it’s important to look at the situation from the perspective of the children, and their needs. A two-year-old girl may have different physical and emotional needs than a 12-year-old boy, but their fundamental needs are the same. Help Guide, a not-for-profit organisation that works with blended families, states that all children want to feel:
• Safe and secure – Children want to be able to count on their parents. Children of divorce have already felt the upset of having people let them down, and may not be eager to give second chances to their parents or step-parents.
• Loved – Kids like to see and feel your affection, although it should be a gradual process.
• Seen and valued – Kids often feel unimportant or invisible when it comes to decision making in the new blended family. Recognise their integral role in the family when you are making decisions.
• Heard and emotionally connected to – Kids are eager for real connection and understanding. Creating an honest and open environment free of judgment will help them feel heard. Show them that you can view the situation from their perspective.
• Appreciated and encouraged – Children of all ages respond to praise and encouragement and like to feel appreciated for their contribution.
• Limits and boundaries – Children may not think they need limits, but a lack of boundaries sends a signal that the child is unworthy of the parents’ time, care and attention. As a new step-parent, you shouldn’t step in as the enforcer at first, but work with your spouse to set limits.
If you are a new spouse joining an already-established family unit, there are challenges too. Parenting author Beth Strong says the new step-parent can feel like an outsider who is joining a team that has been going strong for years.
“There are hundreds of “inside jokes”, secret non-verbal communication that has developed naturally between parent and child, between siblings, and lots of subtle references made about people who are known only to the biological family.”
The key is not to force relationships; let them develop naturally. Keep open communication with all family members, and remember: good things take time.
Families facing their first holiday season as a blended family have an exciting and challenging time ahead. Holiday occasions, such as Christmas, can exacerbate underlying issues and ignite conflict within the blended family and with former partners. Parenting author Cathy Meyer says one of the keys to reducing stress around holiday time is to plan well in advance.
“You have to be flexible and realise that gifts and Christmas celebrations can take place either on Christmas Eve, Christmas morning or even Boxing Day. There’s no need to fight over who will be where at what time if you are flexible and realise it isn’t about the date but the season and the celebration.
“If you have children who are spending a holiday away from the other parent, let that child know that it is okay to feel sadness and to express how they are feeling.”
Establishing new traditions within the blended family (not necessarily at the expense of former nuclear family traditions) is another way to bring the family together at Christmas. It might take years to establish traditions, but they are the cement that holds a family together.
If you are in a blended family, you don’t have to face its challenges alone. There are plenty of organisations in New Zealand that can offer help/counselling/advice, and they’re just a phone call away.
Dads have some unique parenting challenges in today’s society, so over the next few issues Family Times will focus on some hot tips just for the guys. 
