Don’t be a peer-pressured mum
Do you feel pressured to live up to other people’s expectations?
Do you feel you sometimes go against your personal values to fit in, conform or be accepted? Do your own children put pressure on you to be involved in every sport or activity on offer, or to keep up and compete with other families?
While there is no such thing as the “perfect” parent, many mothers experience some form of external pressure or expectation at some point in their life. From birth to when children grow older, parents commonly face pressure to do things “right”; breastfeeding, purchasing the latest baby equipment or employing the most effective parenting techniques; enrolling children in music lessons, sports clubs or physical activity classes. The options and resulting pressure can be both daunting and endless, and children often end up tired, scratchy and over-scheduled.
Parents’ time, energy and patience is already stretched from the demands of work and family life. Many parents are in danger of becoming exhausted, overwhelmed and burdened with guilt simply because they have forgotten how to live life by their own personal values and guidelines.
A friend of mine recently experienced pressure and guilt about party bags at birthday parties. “I’d never heard of party bags before,” she said. “Suddenly, there was this expectation to not only provide a party venue, entertainment, food and birthday cake but also individual party bags for each child to take away. All of my friends disagreed with the idea, but one by one kept providing them – bigger and better than before.
“Once, my daughter came home from a party with more gifts than she’d taken! I felt embarrassed, uncomfortable and anxious at the mounting pressure to conform at my own daughter’s birthday party.”
Similarly, a recent client, who is a mother of three pre-teens, experienced a different kind of pressure.
“Our kids are always asking for the latest technology, games, music or fashion. If one of their friends has something, our kids want one too. We try to explain that money is tight, or ask them to save up for bigger purchases, but it seems to all fall on deaf ears. They not only expect us to pay for everything, but to keep up with their friends as well.”
Here are some tips and ideas to help you deal with the pressure, expectations and guilt of motherhood.
Boundaries
We teach people how to treat us so ensure you have strong, healthy and consistent boundaries in place. Clarify your personal and family values: what’s important to you, what’s acceptable and what isn’t. Be prepared to stand up for what you believe in. Don’t be influenced, roped in or pressured by other people. It’s okay to be yourself.
Say no
Learn to say no without guilt or explanation. Practise this beforehand. Say “no” and then stop talking, or pause before responding, providing you with time to think about your response. Another strategy is to say you’ll check your schedule before answering.
Eliminate guilt
Don’t beat yourself up with guilt or negative self-talk. Acknowledge any feelings of guilt (write them down if helpful) and then let go and move on. Use positive language and self-talk to boost your confidence, self-belief and motivation – you are what you think.
Common sense
Ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that can happen if I don’t…enrol the children in extra-curricular activities/pay for expensive items/push the kids to get involved and excel in every opportunity available?” Trust your intuition and common sense.
Realistic expectations
Do a reality check – are your expectations realistic? Avoid competing with or comparisons to other parents and families. Don’t try to have and do it all – you’ll end up feeling stressed, exhausted and resentful.
Simplify and enjoy life
Kids don’t need or want too many activities – what they thrive on is quality time spent with their parents. Take a back-to-basics approach and keep things simple, relieving stress, pressure and feeling overwhelmed. Children (and adults) value time to play, imagine and just be themselves, without structured activities every day. We can all benefit from taking time out to relax, go with the flow and simply enjoy life as a family.
By Karyn Riley
Karyn Riley helps mums and women in business rediscover their identity and get their life back. Karyn is a parenting and well-being specialist, author of the forthcoming book “How to Keep the YOU in Mum: practical strategies to rediscover your identity and transform your life as a parent”, life coach, inspirational speaker, writer and mother of two. www.rileylife.co.nz.
Teach your children to be optimistic
There is pressure from all directions to spend money on our children and yet some of the most valuable things children need cannot be bought.
One of the best things parents can give their children is a healthy attitude to living. There is a sense of satisfaction and achievement for parents who feel confident that their child is equipped to handle difficulties and challenges.
We live in a world of uncertainty and change, where many things are beyond our control. How we manage often depends on the way we see situations. Helping your child become an optimist and “look on the bright side of life” is a step towards preparing your child for a strong future.
How do children develop optimism?
Some children are born with a sunny disposition and a natural ability that lends itself to dealing with challenges and solving problems. Other children may struggle to overcome difficulties, often expecting the worst to occur (making “mountains out of molehills”).
As children grow and develop they need as many opportunities as possible to experience success.
• Every time children achieve something they set out to do, they start to develop a belief that they can go on trying and have more successes.
• Self talk is what we use on ourselves to explain the things that happen through the day. When children tell themselves that they can do something they are more likely to succeed.
• The ways that adults think about and talk about their experiences are very powerful in shaping a child’s beliefs about why success or failure might happen. An optimist, for example a parent, might say something like, "I was just thinking to myself that most of the time when you allow enough time and really try hard with your maths homework you get good results", rather than, "See, you never allow yourself enough time and you don’t try hard enough with your maths homework".
• The fit between what you think and how you feel leads to how you act.
•
Optimists
Optimists are people who refuse to feel helpless and don’t give up when faced with seemingly impossible problems. They expect to succeed, believe in themselves and remain positive.
• Optimists are less likely to suffer from depression.
• Optimists are more likely to recognise and think about their past signs of successes and what they did to succeed.
• The more optimistic children are, the more able they are to succeed and have a sense of the future, and of being able to make friends and learn at school.
• Optimistic thinking uses words like – maybe, sometimes, usually, possibly, perhaps.
What parents can do
• Be a good model – let your children hear how you make sense of a situation (hear your self-talk) and share your positive thoughts with your children.
• Re-phrase what your child says – say things or use different words to make more positive sense out of a situation. Child: "I never have anyone to play with." Parent: "Sometimes it’s hard to find a friend, but last week you had a good time with Mary".
• Tell your own stories of overcoming hardships – "When I was at school I thought… but then I realised…".
• Use stories or videos to inspire – The Karate Kid, The Lion King, The Tortoise and the Hare, Free Willy.
• Give encouragement – "What were the thoughts when you were losing that tennis game?"; "How did your thoughts change to help you to move from losing to winning?" Help your child catch the helpful and unhelpful thoughts and stick with the helpful ones.
• Draw your child’s attention to media and highlight public figures or winning teams who have overcome hardship.
References
"The optimistic child" by Martin EP Seligman, Karen Reivich, Lisa Jaycox and Jane Gilham; published by Harper P Library, 1996.
"Learned optimism: how to change your mind and your life" by M Seligman; published by Free Press, 1998.
"The road to optimism: change your language – change your life!" J M Perry, R E Griggs, R Griggs; Manfit, 1996.
Written in partnership
Child and Youth Health – Parenting SA
Maths for littlies – making it count
You can help your child learn about numbers and maths from an early age.
As a parent or caregiver, you can engage, challenge and extend children’s mathematical knowledge and skills by starting with their activities, play and interests. Then you can build on the maths that is a part of children’s everyday experiences.
Helping them learn
Real maths learning, like all other learning, begins right from the start of your child’s life. The numbers one and two are the beginnings of counting. There are lots of ones and twos on your child’s body – one head, one nose, one mouth, two eyes, two ears, two arms and two legs. Fingers and toes are in handy sets of five.
In your role as a parent you can build on your child’s maths learning by:
• helping them to explore their world and understand it through language and experiences
• supporting them to keep on going with what they are doing even when it is difficult
• encouraging them to express an idea or a feeling and listen to what they are trying to tell or show you – try taking their point of view, aim not to put the pressure on to find a “right” answer
• building on what they know and understand rather than seeking “right” answers – find out more about what your child thinks and means. This is all an important part of their learning.
Everyday ideas
You can help your child learn everyday by:
• taking notice of what they are doing and offering them ideas about extending their activities
• talking about sizes, shapes, direction and position of people and objects, the number of objects, how to make smaller groups from one large group of objects
• counting out loud
• pointing to objects
• exploring shapes and patterns together using equipment and in rhythm and music.
Remind your child of the ways your family uses math in everyday life:
• Cooking (measuring the ingredients, deciding how many portions for the number of people).
• Fixing things – matching the size and shape of the tool to the screws and nails, measuring the size of the wood to saw, measuring the height of the wall to paint.
• Sewing, knitting and mending – measuring and cutting, checking the length of sleeves and hems, fitting the button to the size of the button-hole, making sure the neck hole is big enough, making sure the patch covers the hole.
Everyone can play a part
• All the adults that spend time with your child can use everyday activities as a chance to talk about maths:
• cutting fruit into pieces and talking about how many pieces make a whole.
• how many pieces you need to have enough for everyone.
• how many pieces are left when everyone has had one each.
What if you don’t like maths?
Young children are learning that numbers can be exciting, interesting, and fun. They will learn from you about how you feel about maths. If you did not enjoy maths at school, you might give your child some negative messages about maths without meaning to.
The great thing is that you can have as much fun as your child doing maths things together. Learning about mathematics can be all about finding out and does not need to be focussed on “getting the right answer”.
Young children are developing experiences in using technology and resources as a part of their everyday life. When you take part in these experiences with your child you are supporting their learning.
• Make time for your child to play games with adults and older children – including counting, taking turns, predicting what will come next, remembering what happened before, identifying and solving problems. (And practising winning and not winning).
This information has been sourced from the Ministry of Education’s Team-Up
website – www.teamup.co.nz.
Keeping kids eating healthy
During the first five years a child’s meal pattern tends to follow a grazing pattern of five or six small meals a day to accommodate daytime sleep, play centre and family commitments.
However, major changes occur when a child starts school. The frequent snacking and constant play activities at home are replaced by more formal work and meal patterns and yet nutritional demands for growth and energy are great and can be easily missed.
Recent preliminary results of the New Zealand Ministry of Health Nutrition Survey of children (91 children one to four-years old and 92 children aged five to14-years-old) found that children lacked calcium and dietary fibre, their milk intake was poor, protein intakes could be improved and children ate takeaways regularly; two to three times a week.
While we await the more detailed results of this national study there are some things that parents of young children can do to ensure nutrient adequacy.
Improve calcium intakes by encouraging children over two-years-of-age to drink at least two or three servings of (calcium enriched) low fat milk products or milk substitutes per day. One serving = 250ml of milk, one pottle of yoghurt (150g), two slices of cheese (40g).
Improve dietary fibre by offering children: four to six servings of bread or cereals per day. (One serving = one bread roll (50g), one medium slice of bread (25g), one muffin (80g), one cup breakfast cereal).
Five plus servings of fruit and vegetables per day, i.e. three servings of vegetables and two servings of fruit the size of their hand (not yours).
Protein intakes can be improved by offering children one serving of lean meat, poultry, fish, eggs, beans, peas and lentils. (One serving= one slice of cooked meat (100g), one egg (50g), one medium steak (120g) one chicken leg (110g), 135g cooked beans or chickpeas).
Fluids are essential to good digestion. Encourage children one to three-years-old to drink approximately 90-100mls per kilogram of body weight and children four to 10-years-old 85mls per kilogram of body weight. This fluid could include water, milk or milkshakes made with fresh fruit. If offering fruit juice, occasionally dilute it with five parts water to one part juice.
Limit takeaways and support parent-teacher initiatives at school that encourage healthier food choices.
By Lea Stening
For more information visit www.leastening.com
Nigel Latta talks non PC parenting
By Vanessa O’Brien
There’s always an element of nervousness before interviewing a clinical psychologist.
It’s a turning of the tables, a reversal of roles. It’s analysing an analyst who is analysing you at the same time.
That’s where Nigel Latta was refreshingly…normal.
He answered the phone on its sixth ring, in the middle of the 8am mad rush of getting ready for the office while juggling the pre-school chaos with children who would not eat their toast. He was human.
Anyone who has watched his television programme, The Politically Incorrect Parenting Show, has experienced his sharp, at times self-deprecating wit thrust out at 100km per hour into the willing brains of gleaning parents. It was no show. It was Nigel being Nigel, even at an almost un-godly hour.
His rise to parenting advice guru status has marked a turn in New Zealand’s psyche; the gushy, mushy, post-hippy revival phase of fuzzy boundaries and not-very-tough love has given way to a Kiwi-fied, back-to-basics type approach. Put simply; power back in the hands of parents.
Shocking, then, that this was not Nigel’s intended career choice.
“Well,” he rattled off like rapid machine gun fire, “I did zoology at Otago, but I discovered that science was pretty dull and tedious. Law didn’t interest me, and medicine seemed like a lot of work, so I went up to Auckland to study psychology. It seemed like an interesting thing to do.”
His career as a clinical psychologist has been varied, to say the least. He has worked with thousands of families as well as social service agencies, sex-offender treatment programmes, prisons, the Department of Corrections, the New Zealand Police, and Child, Youth and Family Services. He wrote a novel, Execution Lullaby, and a book about crime in New Zealand, Into the Darklands and Beyond; Unveiling the Predators Among us, before he wrote his first parenting book in 2006.
Nigel’s debut into the parenting book genre was the result of discussing his self-invented behaviour management tool “the ladder of certain doom” with his publisher. He wanted to get it into parents’ hands, but had not considered a book at that stage. In his opinion, parenting books were part of the problem – they scare-mongered parents into believing their was something horribly wrong with their children when they were actually pretty normal. He could not argue though, that writing a book was not a pretty effective way to get a message across.
The rest, as they say, belongs to history. Nigel has continued to perpetuate his ethos that parenting should not be as treacherous as some make out and his latest book, Mothers Raising Sons, has no exception.
“I think parenting has become far too complicated, and far too precious,” he wrote in his introduction. “We over-think just about everything when it comes to raising children these days.”
His pragmatic approach to the seemingly mysterious frontier of parenting has struck a chord with down-to-earth kiwis. He was not without his critics though.
“Some people get outraged when you talk about the fact that our parents’ generation did some things right. The good old days weren’t all bad,” he argued convincingly down the phone line.
“Sure, they had smallpox and Hitler and wars. Every generation has its challenges, its particular peculiarities. We have the recession and the information age.
“The truth is that parents are just getting on with the business of raising children like they always have.”
Basically, he expounded, humans today were the same as people in caves 30,000 years ago. The surface stuff and window dressing had changed, but the same fundamental needs and wants remained.
The book, Mothers Raising Sons, was partly a reaction to highly publicised research about how boys were fundamentally different than girls, had different needs, and were failing in school and society at catastrophic rates. And some of the research was “thin” as Nigel put it.
“I guess I wrote it because I got tired of mums feeling like they were guilty and not doing a good job,” he said. The book itself explained further.
“I think that the “boy crisis” is getting a little out of hand,” Nigel penned. “It might make a great story, and it’s a great way to sell books, but I just don’t think it’s necessarily all that accurate, and I don’t think that the “boy crisis” is very relevant to the day-to-day business of raising boys. That’s a much bigger political, scientific, philosophical debate. You’re not responsible for the world of boys, but you are responsible for your boy’s world.”
The book breaks down three key stages in “boy-ology” with lists of must-do things for boys within each stage. Nigel advocates that seven to 11-year-old boys should have the apron strings loosened a bit. At some point within that stage they should own and use a pocket knife without supervision. They should be able to build bigger huts in more distant places, make and fly a kite, build and light a fire among other things. Allowing mistakes was important, the book argued.
“This is where he practises being his own man, albeit a fledgling man, but a man just the same,” Nigel wrote. “Mistakes are important, and he needs to make as many as he can now so that he’s learned the lesson by the time he gets to the next bit.”
Nigel should know; he was a boy once and had a few childhood adventures that he learned from.
“I used to live next door to this guy Vaughn,” he recalled. “We used to play under the house and we found this stuff that we though might burn and it really did burn. It was like shredded paper. The house didn’t burn down luckily but I wasn’t allowed to play with Vaughn for a month after that.”
Learning from mistakes was a skill that extended to parenthood too. Mothers Raising Sons has admissions of Nigel’s own parenting mistakes – some hilarious, and some poignant. Rather than casting doubt on his credentials to give parenting advice though, the lack of perfection shows an affinity for parents at the coal face doing the best job they know how. And according to Nigel, parenting was not as difficult as some believed.
“I think the biggest challenge is not to buy into all the hype and worry,” he said. It’s actually a lot simpler than it’s made out to be.”
One should always take parenting advice – even his – with a grain of salt though, Nigel cautioned.
“Everybody’s parenting advice is just that – it’s advice – and you have to be very weary of anybody who says, “If you don’t raise kids my way they are going to be damaged”. What I have tried to do is to give a slightly more honest take on it.”
Reading with kids
Education and parenting experts agree that reading to and with young children helps them better understand their world and develop important language and learning skills.
Most importantly, when parents and children read together, children develop a love of reading that can last a lifetime.
But how can busy parents and caregivers maximise the value of reading time with their children, and make the experience more fun, productive and rewarding for themselves as well as for their children?
1. Start reading together as early as possible
Even tiny babies love to hear the rhythms and intonations of a loved one’s voice (poetry and rhyming text is great!) and to look at colourful, eye-catching artwork. Get kids used to the idea of looking at and listening to books as early as possible.
2. Cuddle while reading together
This is a powerful kinaesthetic way to help children subconsciously associate reading with warmth, joy and love, and helps seed the ground for passionate readers later in life. Plus, it makes for great parent/child bonding time.
3. Trace the lines with a finger while reading aloud
With young children who are just learning to read, this helps them to follow along and associate the letters and words with the sounds they are hearing and images they are seeing, encouraging them to learn to read themselves.
4. Use character voices or accents
Children love to hear the voices of individual characters come to life, and this can really help activate the story and characters for them and engage their imaginations.
5. Read with vocal "colour”
This is probably the most important tip of all. Keeping the voice alive and interesting can make all the difference in terms of a child’s ability to listen and follow a story. Use emphasis here, enthusiasm there, tenderness another place. Find the cadences and rhythms of the author’s language, and try to convey the mood or the characters’ intentions. There’s no need to be a ham, or yuck it up so much that the listener pays more attention to the vocal acrobatics than the story itself, but it’s important to avoid monotonous reading.
Keep it fresh
6. Stop from time to time to ask questions
Check in with young listeners about their thoughts and reactions to the story or pictures: "Why do you think he or she did that?"
"What would you do in that situation?"
"What do you think is going to happen?"
"Do you see what I see?"
7. Personalise the story
Look for ways to insert the child’s name into the text, especially if it’s a book that speaks directly to a child and only uses pronouns, or to substitute the name of a character or place with a familiar one. Draw parallels between the events and characters in the story and those of your child’s life.
8. Role-play with dialogue
If a child is old enough to read, divide the character roles and alternate reading the dialogue together. This is a great way to draw a child into the story, and to help them learn to read aloud with animation.
9. Fuel a child’s individual passions and interests
Does he or she love animals? Sports? Cooking? Dressing up? Find books that speak to their unique interests, and be willing to read the same books a hundred times in a row. In this way we can affirm for our children the value of having one’s own passions and perspective.
10. It doesn’t have to be books
If there’s nothing else at hand, a magazine can make for fun reading as well. See what child-friendly "stories" can be found inside or even made up from the pictures. The important thing is to spend time sitting with kids, turning pages and exploring and discovering together.
BONUS TIP:
Create home-made "AudioBooks." Read and record favourite stories on tape or CD that a child can play back and follow along with in the book. These can be wonderful gifts – and can be especially helpful as a transition to sleep, or when a loved one has to be away for any period of time.
By Emma Walton Hamilton
Hot tips for instilling values in your children
While most of what we impart to our children is unconscious, there are some tangible ways we can instil values in our children:
• If children want to take up an activity that you have to pay for, make it clear that they have to stick with it term by term. They can’t just give it up six weeks down the track when they’re fed up with early morning swimming lessons, piano practice, etc.
• Show respect for your children as they are. Ask for their input on family holiday plans or house improvements and help them learn to make choices and decisions. If they love doing pai
ntings, get some framed and display them. Use simple courtesies like "please" and "thank you" when you speak to them.
• Have family rules – they teach children values and respect for themselves and others. Don’t allow them to deride you or each other or use abusive language. (For example, you could say: "I have too much respect for myself to listen to this.")
• In shops, teach preschoolers about having to pay before you take items. Give older children pocket money so they can learn about saving for things they want.
• Teach your child to voice their needs to other children. At the same time, teach them to hear when others express their needs when they are playing together. Teach children about sharing, but also appreciate this does not come naturally for them.
• Ensure your home is a welcoming place for your children to bring their friends to. Having friends apart from the family is important for a child’s development. But teach them how to say "no" to doing things they don’t want to do or know are wrong. Spend some time performing “what if” role plays about all kinds of situations.
• Build up the family by doing things together – a work project like having a garage sale can be followed by a shared “reward”.
• Establish some enjoyable family traditions. For example, regular holidays together as a family. One family points out, "We like the idea of our kids looking back and remembering how, when they were young, they went to bed in their day clothes, all ready to set off at 3am".
• Decide on a joint family project to help others in need: a trip to the supermarket to choose grocery items for the foodbank; sponsor a child or project in a third world country; volunteer as a family to collect for IHC.
• Keep in contact with elderly family members and you will teach children to respect the elderly; regularly visit an elderly person in a retirement home with your children.
• Teach acceptance of different cultural ways by reaching out to new immigrants in your neighbourhood or school. Offer to act as a homestay family for a cultural exchange student.
• Teach children how to use spare time productively so they can have a sense of accomplishment in what they have achieved.
• Watch a television programme with your children and talk about the issues raised. Encourage them to look at the advertising they see and question: how honest is it? What values is it trying to sell?
Republished courtesy of Parents Inc – a not-for-profit organisation dedicated to making life better for parents and their children. For more information visit www.parentsinc.co.nz
Nigel Latta’s tips – how to be a cool mum
The last chapter in Nigel Latta’s book, Mothers Raising Sons, is all about being a cool mum. We’ve skipped straight to the dessert here to give you a glimpse into just a few of the book’s tips about being the coolest mum. For more, Mothers Raising Sons is available at all good bookstores, RRP $29.99.
Little guys (0-6 years)
• Every so often, eat dessert first
• When he goes to sit down, make a farty noise and then tell him to say excuse me
• When you go to the beach for a walk, let him muck about in the water until his clothes are soaking wet
• Teach him wrestling moves
• Let him make an extra-big mess in the house from time to time
Big guys (7-11 years)
• Give him hammers, nails, and saws to build huts with
• Keep up the farty noises when he sits down
• Watch cool movies and eat popcorn
• Let his room be his room to arrange and rearrange as often as he wants
• Build a ramp (all you need is a brick and a two-foot-long piece of wood) so he can do jumps on his bike
Young men (12 years plus)
• Every so often, eat dessert first
• Don’t try to be cool, or to be his friend. It never works, and it’s just embarrassing for everyone
• Let him make big decisions
• Genuinely ask what he thinks about something, and if he tells you then genuinely listen
• If it’s possible, and if he’ll tolerate it, go on a road trip together somewhere
Getting active boosts tots’ start in life
You’re never too young to start getting active!
Movement in the early years is vital for your child’s physical development. It enhances their social, emotional and intellectual growth.
With your help and support, you and your child can have fun while building the foundations for a healthy future – for both of you.
Activity ideas
• From zero to hero, your newborn has a lot to learn. Simple activities, like massaging your infant, teach them body awareness and develop their tactile senses – as well as being nurturing and relaxing.
• Lying on the floor with your child can count as being physically active too! Short amounts of tummy time for your newborn or infant help develop muscle tone in their arms, hands and fingers, upper body and neck.
• We all love to boogie, and your infant is no exception. A little dance session with your tot helps with their spatial awareness, balance and eye tracking. And let’s not forget, it’ll help them be a hit on the dance floor during those tricky teenage years!
• Kids can be animals! Crawl around the floor pretending to be different creatures. Don’t forget the noises… grrrrrr! Add some music to the game, and they’re well on their way to improving their imagination, hand-eye coordination and muscle tone.
• When toddlers spin around and around they learn balance, and develop their eye muscles. So get out that office swivel chair, sit them on your lap and turn slowly this way and that. This is a great one for the grandparents to do too.
• In the house or out in the garden, wheelbarrow walking your toddler around heightens the tactile sense in their hands, builds awareness of the environment and strengthens their upper torso – and it’s fun too!
• While you’re walking along the footpath, throw out the challenge to see who can get the furthest without stepping on a crack. It’ll increase coordination, balance and concentration – and anyway, who wants to marry a rat?
• Racing sticks down a stream is an easy and fun outdoor activity, and will get the little ones’ hearts racing and legs pumping as they follow the action. (Remember: for activities around water, your child should be in sight and reach the whole time, so you better keep up – and don’t forget to slip, slop, slap in the sun.)
• Children’s classic songs are classics for a reason – so sing and move along to some of the favourites like Head, Shoulders, Knees and Toes, Incy, Wincy Spider and The Wheels on the Bus. It will improve your children’s rhythm, hand-eye coordination and concentration.
• A simple balloon can do wonders for your child’s development. Just batting a balloon in the air can boost their skill levels in coordination and concentration, as well as strengthening their eye muscles.
• Hanging out the washing helps your child develop new skills – while they help you! Using the peg action develops their pincer grip – important for holding a pencil. It’ll also improve their motor skills and balance. Just make sure they’re on a steady chair, and there are no grey clouds looming!
Remember: moving and taking part is good for the mind, soul and heart – so activities should be fun, positive and safe.
By Sport and Recreation New Zealand, www.sparc.org.nz
How to beat bullying
You can help your child cope with bullying – whether they are being bullied or if they are a bully themselves.
If your child is being bullied, you have a vital role in helping your child deal with the bully. You and your child can take action together to stop the bully and help your child feel good about themselves.
1. Calmly talk with your child
• Ask them exactly what the bully is doing and how that makes them feel and note down specific details.
• Reassure your child it’s not their fault and that bullying is not okay.
• Reassure your child that together you’ll be able to stop the bullying.
• If your child is being bullied because they are different, talk with them about why you are proud of their difference.
• Tell your child they must tell a trusted adult every time they’re bullied and this doesn’t mean they’re “telling on others”.
• Ask your child what they would like to happen; reassure your child that you will do something about it.
2. Work out a plan
• Decide who your child will tell when they’re being bullied.
• Think of some simple things your child can do when the bullying happens. First ignore the bully, and if that doesn’t work tell the bully to stop, and if they continue, walk away and tell an adult.
• Work out what to do if the adult doesn’t take the complaint seriously – this might depend on where and when the bullying happens and who else is likely to be around.
• Encourage your child to stick with their friends when they are out – bullies are less likely to come near them if others are around.
3. Talk with the school
• The school has a duty to make sure your child is safe at school, so talk with them about some steps to address the bullying, such as how your child can report it to a trusted adult.
• Find out if the school has an “anti-bullying” policy. If not, ask them to develop one as soon as possible and, perhaps, offer to help.
• Stay in contact with the school and let them know of any developments in the situation.
• Ask how the school addresses personal safety as part of the curriculum.
• Find out what other schools do.
4. Help your child regain their confidence
• Read a book about bullying together.
• Let your child spend more time on things they enjoy, in a safe environment.
• Suggest your child spends time with friends. If they don’t have many friends, support them to try new activities and let them bring friends home to play when you are there.
What if your child is a bully?
No bullying is acceptable. If you find out your child is bullying other children, talk with them to find out why. Explain why bullying is wrong and get them to think about how they would feel if they were being bullied themselves.
Put them off from joining in if their friends are bullying someone. Tell them they must report bullying to their teacher and remind them that by doing nothing, they’re saying their friend’s bullying behaviour is acceptable.
Your child might be bullying because they don’t know how to play and interact with others their age. So praise your child when they play well with others.
It may also be useful to talk with your child’s teacher. They can keep a close eye on your child’s behaviour at school and communicate regularly with you, and might be able to help with other suggestions such as anti-bullying programmes in your region. When you and the school work together, you are more likely to be able to help your child.
If you don’t think talking with your child is enough, or if it hasn’t been useful, you could consider sending them, if age appropriate, to an anger management programme. These courses help your child recognise when they’re angry and learn healthy ways to manage their emotions.
It’s also important to show your child how to get along with others and how to handle conflict without hurting other people. The easiest way to teach this is to set a good example with lots of praise when they get it right. When you see your child play well with other kids, or keep their cool when they don’t like something, let them know how great they’re doing.
This information has been sourced from the Ministry of Education’s Team-Up
website – www.teamup.co.nz.
Do you feel pressured to live up to other people’s expectations? 
