Keep your kids from fighting

Top Ten Ways to Keep Your Kids from Fighting

Fighting among siblings is as natural as the changing of the seasons. And contrary to what many parents believe, sibling rivalry is a sign of mental health in a family. While there may be times when it’s difficult to deal with, there are some simple things you can do to limit fighting and make it tolerable:

1. Ignore their fighting
Fighting is often a way for kids to get you to notice them. If you ignore their fighting (unless weapons are involved) there will be less incentive for them to do it.

2. Treat your kids the same when it comes to fighting
If you get into who started things, you may be training your kids to be victims and bullies. Put them in the same boat and don’t take sides.

3. Give your kids positive reinforcement when they are cooperating
Let them know that they’re doing a wonderful job when they get along. This one’s easy to forget, but vitally important. Give them attention when they’re behaving the way you want. Continually telling them to stop may actually be creating more fighting!

4. Limit your own fighting and arguing
Your kids will learn how to be peaceful from you. Don’t expect them to do it well if you don’t show them how.

5. Create an environment of cooperation
Do projects together as a family that involve cooperation. Talk about how important it is for the family to cooperate. Avoid games or activities that promote fighting or excessive competition in your kids.

6. Train your kids in peacemaking when they’re away from conflict
Talk to your kids about fighting at a time when they’re relaxed and open. Ask them about what other options they might have taken rather than hitting their sister. Help them to brainstorm better solutions.

7. Avoid punishing your kids in general
Punishing kids usually just creates angry kids who are more likely to fight. While some punishment may be inevitable, do your best to give choices and alternatives. Punishment may bring short-term solutions but will also bring long-term problems.

8. Control how you react to their fighting
When you must intervene, make sure you stay calm. If you’re angry and shaming, you actually make it more likely that fighting will occur again.

9. Limit the number of fighting opportunities you give your kids.
Think about what has the potential to start fights. Don’t buy a red ball and a blue ball as this may easily result in a fight by your kids. Buy two red balls and reduce the opportunity for a fight. Be familiar with the times in which fighting occurs the most – when they’re hungry or tired. Take precautions, like having dinner ready before the “bewitching hour” occurs.

10. Love your kids for all they’re worth
Every day tell them you love them and, more importantly, show them. Kids who feel emotionally connected to their parents are the least likely to fight. This won’t eliminate it, but the alternative isn’t pretty at all.

By Mark Brandenburg

Reprinted courtesy of www.brainy-child.com

Breakfast no time for treats

Too many New Zealand children are fuelling up on sugar before school according to the Heart Foundation.

With the Government’s recent decision to relax food restrictions in schools, the Heart Foundation is urging New Zealanders to cut back on sugary breakfasts.

Registered dietitian and Heart Foundation Tick programme nutrition manager, Mrs Bullock, says a healthy breakfast can encourage better food choices later in the day.

Other dietary changes as simple as opting for trim milk and lower fat margarines or spreads can also reduce breakfast kilojoules and lower a child’s saturated fat intake by more than two kilograms a year, says Mrs Bullock.

Piling sugar on top of cereal should clearly be avoided according to Mrs Bullock, who suggests sweetening with low fat yoghurt, adding a banana or Tick canned fruit as more sensible options.

In fact, she says a few simple changes can improve breakfast nutrition significantly. 

The Tick dietitian believes breakfast should provide fibre and essential carbohydrates to top up energy stores, making children less likely to snack on foods high in fat and sugar.

The importance of eating a good breakfast has been shown in many studies, but children’s breakfast cereals commonly contain too much sugar, says Mrs Bullock.

While children may demand their sugary favourites at the breakfast table which can also be high in saturated fat and salt, Mrs Bullock says giving in to pester power may mean children are not getting essential nutrients they need.

We should all be looking at breakfast cereals with less sugar and kilojoules per serve. For example, the Tick tells you at a glance which products meet Heart Foundation nutrition standards, in effect giving you healthier food options.

Just swapping standard blue top milk and cereal for Tick approved cereal with trim milk, choosing wholegrain toast and using margarine or spread with the Tick can help, she adds.

Together these changes can remove more than a teaspoon of saturated fat and about as much salt as found in a packet of potato chips from your child’s breakfast every day, she says.

What Really Matters

My Fondest memories as a child were the times I spent with my parents
and siblings doing the simple things. Baking pikelets with my aunty and
learning to flip them..with the odd one landing on the floor which would
send us all into a fit of giggles.

The summer holidays spent at kiwi campsites with endless hours spent on
the beach swimming and building fortresses in the sand with Dad – these
were always on quite a grand scale as he believed you always needed a
mote surrounding the fortress of at least four or five castles to protect us
from the enemies.

As children we learnt life’s valuable lessons through spending time with
our parents, watching and asking questions.

I fear our own children’s generation are missing out on some of those life
lessons as a consequence of us as parents not being as present in their
day-to-day life. Instead we entrust institutions with the job of raising our
children and teaching them the basics.

I wonder how many parents have laid down on the floor with their toddler
for 10 minutes to join in their play with them or hopped on a bike and
gone for a ride with their teenager?

Of the parents I have questioned about this matter, most say it’s a lack of
time, others say a lack of resource or money. If so, why are we so time
poor? Why are we all rushing from one thing to another without having a
minute to stop for a breath?

Perhaps it is not that we are time poor but that we are commodity driven.
Has what we possess become more important than spending time with
those who are precious to us? One thing hasn’t changed over the years
and that is as parents we still want to give our kids the best start in life
that we can, but perhaps the definition of what that actually is has
changed.

As many of our parents and grand -parents had not the money to buy
expensive toys or resources for expensive holidays and excursions; they
instead spent time with us.

Over the past twenty years as credit has become readily available, our
children are growing up in a world dominated by commodities &
possessions which are acquired with such immediacy that there appears
little or no appreciation for them. This can also be said of us as their
parents as we rack up insurmountable debt in an effort to give our
children the latest gadget, toy, excursion or holiday.

In order to re-pay the debt both parents are required to work resulting in
our inability to spend the much needed time with our children.

Ask any child what they want the most, the answer might surprise you as it did me..
‘Mum can you read me a story’

While the recession we have entered might appear daunting for most, for
many a financial re-adjustment may be our salvation as we all learn to
identify what our real priorities are and what is really important in life.

"Ask your father"

“Dad, can I ride my bike to the shop?” “What did Mum say?” “She said to ask you.” 
Do you have these sorts of conversations at your house? “Mum, can I..?” “Ask your father!”

The child is often left wondering who makes the rules in the house. It’s harder still on children whose parents don’t check with each other and simply make arbitrary decisions without consulting the other parent. These children get very confused, especially if they live between the two separated households of their parents.

Bedtime might be up to an hour or more different between the houses. Restrictive diets or television rules might apply in one house and not the other, compounding the confusion and frustration of the child.

Children thrive when they know the boundaries and limits on their behaviour. When the rules are consistently applied across time, households and by both parents, children know where they stand and tend to be more secure and stable.

Consistency is very hard to achieve and requires constant effort and cooperation between parents. Dad may have been raised with stricter rules than Mum so he acts tougher on the children. Mum might make up for his strictness by being softer. Then Dad sees Mum being soft and gets stricter to make up for her softness.

The result is that they polarise each other and become very inconsistent in their approach to family discipline. The children end up in the middle feeling rather bewildered about the rules.

It would be like us driving to work each day with the speed limit signs randomly changing from 40 kph one day to 110 kph the next.

The answer is not for Dad to soften up or for Mum to toughen up. The solution is achieved by both parents negotiating the rules that they can cope with. This requires them to meet in the middle somewhere and consistently apply the agreed upon rules.
Yes, of course it’s very difficult across two households, but when it is achieved the children benefit enormously.

By Dr John Waring

Breakfast is vital for growing children

Consumption of a good breakfast is one of the most important eating habits that your child can adopt before going to school. Latest research suggests that a healthy breakfast can have a beneficial impact on the way your child grows and builds up his or her intellect.

Breakfast provides a series of benefits and advantages to your child like:
* Providing the much needed nourishment necessary for better concentration and academic performance. Children who do not have breakfast are often tired, more irritable and lacking in energy throughout the day.
* Breakfast can help your child to learn. Recent research suggests that children who eat breakfast everyday will perform better in maths tests and other IQ tests. Apart from academics, they will also fare better in activities like play, sports, extra-curricular activities, music and board games.
* Regular breakfast will also help your child to attend his or her classes on a regular basis. Children who skip breakfast often complain about stomach aches and pains.
* With a healthy daily breakfast, your child will accumulate the necessary nutrients required for optimal growth. 
*Breakfast can help your child control weight. A daily breakfast can help streamline your child’s meal patterns and eating habits, making it less likely they will snack on junk foods.

Reasons for your child not eating breakfast:
Your child may not like to eat breakfast because of a number of reasons like:
* Lack of time
* In a hurry to go to school
* Absence of hunger
* Distaste for food early in the morning

Here are some tips to help you create healthy eating habits in your young children:
* Get your child’s school bag ready the previous night so that he or she will have ample time for breakfast.
* Get up earlier so you have time to prepare a good breakfast for your child.
* Don’t allow your child to watch TV or play video games early in the morning.
* To save time, choose items such as fresh and/or canned fruits, cereal, milk and boiled eggs.
* Children love honey – a piece of wholegrain toast and honey is a quick and healthy way for your child to start their day. Hollands honey contains no fat and is a natural source of energy.
*For a wholesome hot breakfast try Harraways oats. Harraways is fully BIO GRO certified and manufactures a range of organic cereal products.
* Dried fruit, nuts and breakfast bars with low fat and calories are also good for your child.

Remember to be a good role model. If your children see you eating a wholesome breakfast they are likely to follow your behaviour.Reprinted courtesy of www.brainy-child.com.

By Andrew Loh

TV and children:How much do parents really need to monitor?

Most of today’s homes have at least one television and many of these sets have SKY which provides a seemingly limitless number of programmes. Moreover, many television programmes are pushing the limits of good taste and decency. Parents who worry that their children are being exposed to violence and other realities of adult life that they’re too young to handle tend to say that television is the culprit, but parents need to take charge of television.

Although parents might prefer that the government exert more control or that networks voluntarily regulate themselves, the bottom line is that it’s the parent’s job to set limits on children’s television viewing.

It’s not a good idea to banish the television set to a dusty attic. In fact, doing so is actually a disservice to children because the content of television shows is so deeply imbedded in popular culture. Not knowing about Barney and Big Bird or Michael Jordan and Madonna leaves a child the odd kid out.

Rather than eliminating television altogether, take a two-stage approach to influencing children’s viewing habits. Starting with firm limitations on both the programme content and the amount of time young children are permitted to watch.

Limit television for preschoolers
Setting limits on television viewing is critical to your child’s development. Young children are easily attracted to and seduced by the flashy colours, intense sounds and fast moving images on the television screen. While a little of this may be OK, if a toddler is spending a good part of his day watching television, he’s not doing other things that are more beneficial and even necessary to his development.

When programs designed specifically for young children go off, the television should go off.

Monitor television use by school-age children

As youngsters get older, they should gradually be given more discretion over programme choice, as long as parents continue to monitor their viewing habits. It’s important for parents to spend time with their children in front of the set, then talk about what they’ve seen. Even if your children persist in choosing shows you don’t wholly approve of, you’ll be more effective in helping them develop discriminating taste if you go ahead and let them watch while continuing to make your opinion clear.

Why parents should worry
There are several other concerns about children who watch a lot of television. For some children, television is their most important teacher. If so, what are the lessons being learned? That only glamorous people populate the world? That people on television don’t get hurt or die, even when they are shot or are involved in accidents? That even serious problems can be solved in a half-hour? Do you want your children believing these ideas?

Another concern is the amount of violence shown on television. Exposure to excessive or graphic violence may make children fearful and anxious. Some children begin to believe that violence is an acceptable way to deal with conflicts and problems. Some children are de-sensitised to violence, so that they can’t feel empathy for someone who is hurt or suffering.

What can parents do?
Limit the amount of time your child watches television. Be certain the programmes viewed are suitable for her age. Watch the shows and advertisements with your children and talk together about what you’ve seen.

While parents need time for themselves, they should avoid using television to keep their children occupied while they relax. Parents are often so busy that they sometimes stop using plain old common sense. They may know their children shouldn’t be watching a particular show and that they should be in bed, but lack the energy to enforce bedtime rules. Instead of letting it go, take charge. If your kids accuse you of being too strict or too concerned, consider it the ultimate compliment. Explain that you’re only doing your job, which is, after all, the most important job in the world. 

By Florence Cherry and Jo Ann Zenger

Travelling tips

While we live in the North Island, my family is in Southland and my husband’s are in Wales, so in order to visit it has meant travelling. I have only had to do this with two children so I’m unsure how others cope with more. A friend told me she travelled back to UK with 10-month-old twins and a two-year-old. She said at the airports she had one twin in a front pack the other in a back pack, luggage in one hand, and was holding onto her daughter with the other.

Planes
If travelling overseas you will need to organise a passport for your child. Taking the photo can take a few attempts. The authorities want a front profile with eyes open, which can be hard to get with newborns and toddlers as they want to shut their eyes or turn their head when a camera flashes. With newborns younger than six months it is hard to know what to record for their details: eye colour: blue turning brown, hair colour: brown turning blonde, height: changes on a daily basis and signature – well, that could be interesting.

Ask the airline for a sky cot and baby food (if on solids) when you make the booking.
Taking a tri-pillow is useful if breastfeeding. It is also good for them to sleep on when you need to hold onto them. You may find that you get your baby off to sleep in the sky-cot and the plane hits turbulence and you have to take them out and put onto your knee with the baby seat belt on, so you may find it easier to have them sleep on the tri-pillow on your knee with the seat belt around them. The bulkhead seats have more room, but the armrests are fixed. The airlines often provide you with baby food, but ask about 10 – 15 minutes in advance of wanting it, as the airhostesses are often busy.
Breastfeed or give a bottle on take-off and descent as sucking is meant to help reduce the pressure in their ears. Changing nappies in the toilets is a challenge as there isn’t much room.

Some airlines provide you with a few nappies and baby wipes on international flights, but best to have your own supply just in case, plus some spare clothes for the baby and yourself as they may vomit or wet through their nappy. Double nappies are an option: have a pull-up nappy over the top of a normal one. Depending on their age, consider a spill-resistant cup to give them water as travelling can cause dehydration. A digital thermometer, bibs, new toys (that they haven’t seen before), baby wipes and baby snacks in the baby bag all come in handy. You will have to consider if you plan to take your car seat, as most taxis don’t carry them.  If you have a spare seat beside you can on the plane you can take your car seat and strap it (like you would in the car) and have your baby sleep in it for a period of time. Talk to the airline staff about this first to make sure there is room.

I find it easier to try and keep to their normal sleep pattern on the plane and on arrival. If going to a completely different time zone it will take your child some time to adjust. There will be some nights when they wake up wanting to play. 
For a website with lots of air travel tips see www.flyingwithkids.com.

When you book your seats, use www.seatguru.com to help work out which row is best for your needs.

DIYFather.com is an online interactive forum for dads that offers resources, discussion groups and practical information about parenting from a male perspective.

DIYFather.com was set up by a group of Wellington-based dads. See www.diyfather.com/content/babies-on-planes.

Airlines will have question and answer sections on their web sites. Go to Air New Zealand’s website at www.airnewzealand.co.nz for information about baby amenities.
Baby amenity kits are available on board long-haul international flights only.

Bassinets are designed for infants of average size up to eight months old. The bassinets are made up with sheets, pillow and blankets. Bassinets fitted on the Boeing aircraft measure 81x33x25cm (32x13x10″) and have a maximum weight restriction of 12kg (26lbs).
Bassinets fitted on the Airbus A320 aircraft measure 75x34x22cm and have a maximum weight restriction of 11kg or 24.25lbs.

There are only a limited number of bassinet positions on any aircraft so it is important to request a bassinet seat when making your booking. Pre-allocation of bassinet seats is only available for infants up to the age of eight months on a first come, first served basis.

Cars
When travelling by car it is important to make regular stops, allowing your baby to move around for a while. Ensure that they don’t get too hot and have a baby sunscreen on the window beside them. Dressing your baby in natural breathable clothes also helps to keep them comfortable.

Babies usually sleep well in car seats. Most parents have heard a story of someone driving around and around the block trying to get their baby to sleep. There is research about the amount of time babies should spend in car seats. Remember that their spines are still immature. See the Land Transport Authority at www.ltsa.govt.nz

Accommodation
If staying overnight book your accommodation in advance. Request a port-a-cot and a quiet room. If there is no adult bath you can use ask for a baby bath. Otherwise you can have a shower with your baby, but it is not always an easy thing to do.

Parents’ rooms
When stopping in towns that you don’t know, it can take some time finding a parents’ room to change a nappy. Most shopping malls have parents’ rooms and are sometimes better than the public ones. You could always write to your council if your local town doesn’t provide good facilities where you can change and feed your baby. In New Zealand you can also use the Plunket rooms but in smaller towns these may be only open at limited times. The Plunket web site is www.plunket.org.nz

Buggies and strollers
If you live somewhere with lots of hills, a three-wheel buggy is handy. Before buying a buggy, check that it can fit into the boot of the car. Also, if you are considering having another baby, find out if your buggy can be adapted to hold two children. Most strollers don’t recline enough for newborns and you can only use them once your baby has good head control and can sit up.

Front and back-packs
With a front-pack a newborn usually faces inwards. When they have head control they can face outwards, which they often prefer as they want to see everything. They can also see a lot with backpacks, though it gives them easy access to pull your hair!
For travel equipment see the online shopping pages on babywebnz. www.babywebnz.org.nz/display/BabyWebNZ/Shopping_Baby+Travel

by Helen Pulford at www.babywebnz.org

BabyWebNZ is a web site linking you to other web sites related to pregnancy, childbirth, babycare and parenting. These are web sites of interest found by a New Zealand midwife. BabyWebNZ has no control over the content or accuracy of these web sites -     www.babywebnz.org/Disclaimer.php.

Compiled by Helen Pulford

The first three years last forever

As adults most of us can remember nothing of our first three years of life. That may lead us to thinking that these early years don’t really count, or that they aren’t that important – interestingly the exact opposite is true.

According to Brainwave, a charitable trust set up to use the scientific research on brain development to assist the children of New Zealand, it is during the first three years of life that most of a baby’s brain development occurs. It is the child’s experiences during these years that enable the brain to grow.

Dr Robin Fancourt explains that at birth a baby’s brain is only 15% developed. The experiences a child has over the first three years of life determine how the brain grows and if the child will grow into a happy, secure and well-functioning adult. Good experiences during this time provide children with the “brain food” they need. Poor experiences can have lasting negative effects on a child’s brain and who they become.

“ What has been learnt about the brain and its development in recent years is vitally important,” he says. “New ways of visualising how neurons are formed and located under genetic guidance prior to birth and of how the child’s personal experiences then take over to connect these cells so that the messages they carry can be delivered to specific sites in the brain, provide the basic parts of this revolution.”

In other words, children raised with nurture and care have the potential to grow to be creative, affectionate and understanding adults. Babies who are traumatised have their development affected in ways that leave them open to damage to their physical, emotional, cognitive and social development.

“At the worst,” Dr Fancourt says, “these children can become continuing victims or relentless violent offenders.”

“We have learnt too that the most significant impact comes while the brain is beginning to form and the child is too young to communicate.”

Early care has a long lasting impactMost parents and caregivers have long known that babies thrive in loving, warm, responsive care.

A significant part of the infant’s brain is designed to adapt to the experiences the child is likely to encounter after the birth. The ability of the immature brain to be shaped and developed by the child’s experiences allows the child to adapt to his or her family, surroundings, environment and culture.

A caring, nurturing and stimulating environment provides the optimal conditions to allow the brain to thrive. Responsive care not only meets the day to day needs of the child, it nourishes the brain and helps it to develop healthy connections. This attention changes the chemistry and structure of an infant’s brain.

Children who receive consistent care are more likely to develop good social skills. Strong attachments to caregivers also appear to help children build resilience to some of the future difficulties they may face, such as stress or trauma.

There is a variety of ways of raising bright, happy, well-rounded, secure, sociable children. Many parents and caregivers already provide the conditions that will promote this healthy development.

For example, children who are talked to frequently have better language skills than those who are seldom talked to. Children need care, time, attention and secure relationships. Their brain development is significantly improved by exposure to play, questions, answers and a wide range of stimuli from the environment.

Parents and caregivers, you can foster a stimulating, secure environment by:

• Spending time interacting with your baby
• Showing your child love and affection
• Smiling and having fun with your little one
• Talking, reading and singing to your child
• Promoting safe opportunities for your child to explore the world
• Playing simple games
• Encouraging movement
• Responding to the needs of your baby by repeatedly responding physically to his cues

The interaction between caregivers and children is a two way process. Small children are biologically primed to develop their brains. They play an active role in this process by interacting with their caregivers and signalling their needs. They appear to benefit most when the caregiver attempts to read and respond to these signals.

These interactions and experiences are the central ingredients required to build healthy brains. They etch pathways into the brain, which, with repetition and use, become permanent. Children raised in this type of environment are being given an opportunity to develop the skills, knowledge and capacities to live rich, fulfilling lives.

The physiological advantages afforded children in these early years can last a lifetime.

There is no need to ‘hothouse’ or pressure an infant to learn. The best way of maximising healthy brain development appears to be by giving children warm, consistent care so that they can form strong attachments. Responsive, loving care appears to do more to boost learning than encouraging children to memorise facts, figures, flashcards and tapes.*

Brain development in the infant

By birth, the brain has developed the total 100 billion brain cells, or neurons, it possesses. However, the brain is a work in progress. Most of the neurons are still immature. The cells need to be activated and the connections between neurons are weak or have not yet been formed.

At birth the infant can see, hear, smell and respond to touch. Almost immediately after birth the newborn’s brain begins to form trillions of connections and pathways between its neurons. These connections and pathways are vital as they enable the infant to see, hear, smell, learn and reason in a more developed way.

Although genes begin the process of brain development, it is the experiences of the child that now start to take over the process. These experiences trigger the electrical activity necessary to enable the brain to develop connections and grow.

Repeated experiences cause the connections to become well-worn pathways, permanently etched into the brain. Infrequent experiences result in the loss of developing pathways.

As the brain structure develops, the child will begin to reach the milestones associated with child development, such as grabbing an object, learning to speak, crawling and walking.

J M Nash said in his article, How a child’s brain develops, “A baby born with a potential for greatness encoded in his genes may turn out to have a gift for logic or a brilliant criminal mind, the direction defined by this early experiences.”

TIP BOX

What parents can do:

Being a parent is an exciting journey, with lots of magical times and challenges. There are some things that you could think about that will make a difference to you and your child.

• Your baby will love hearing your voice. Talk, read, sing to them, even when they are really small

• You can’t spoil your baby with too much love and attention. Babies cry because they have wind, or they need to eat, sleep, be soothed or changed, not because they are demanding or spoilt

• Some babies are more unsettled than others and may need you to experiment with ways that settle them – you could try taking them for a walk, rocking, soft music, gently patting their back or singing softly to them

• Your role as a parent is to love, teach and guide your child through to adulthood. A big part of this is helping them to explore their world, experimenting with touching, tasting, listening and watching.

• This means that babies will try to climb things, poke their fingers where they can, taste anything that they come across, put their hands in their food and generally explore. This is good!

• You can manage all this exploring by making sure small things that your baby can choke on are put away, putting precious things up high and making sure hot things can’t be pulled off a table or stove

• Rest when you can. This might mean you have to ask people not to visit for a while if you are getting really tired

• Your friends and family will want to help. Ask them to take baby for a walk so you can get a bit of sleep, or they can help by making meals or hanging out the washing. They’ll all want to hold the baby, but make sure they don’t interrupt the routines you’re trying to set

• Being a new parent means you will be learning lots of new things. Ask for help if you need it. There are people who can help, for example Plunket, your GP, or other parents.

*Resource: Brainwave Trust. For further information visit www.brainwave.org.nz

Captions:

Children raised with nurture and care have the potential to grow to be creative, affectionate and understanding adults.

Small children are biologically primed to develop their brains.

Toddlers that bite

Q: Sometimes my two-year-old pushes other children and has recently started biting, too! What can I do?

A: Young children usually experience their emotions as physical energy. Since they naturally lack self-control, they often release this energy impulsively. Simply telling them, “Don’t hit” is rarely effective, because they still feel angry, but don’t know what else to do. Likewise, it is difficult for them to use words, because they haven’t mastered language enough to know what words to use and how to express them appropriately. These children need to learn effective ways of expressing their feelings and releasing their anger energy.

For some children, learning to express anger appropriately can take time. To teach children healthy anger management, parents can consistently follow several steps.

First, tell children that it is okay to feel angry, but it is never acceptable to hurt others or themselves. Offer acceptable alternatives for releasing the physical energy. If the child bites, provide something acceptable to bite (a rubber object or blanket). If the child pushes or hits, suggest he stomp his feet. These are only temporary steps toward your long-range goal of having a self- controlled child! Since it may take a while for the child to control his impulses, a temporary substitute is needed until he has mastered more acceptable anger management skills. Supervise social situations closely, until you are sure the child is handling conflict appropriately:

Teach children a three-step plan:
*    First, the child can try using words to resolve the conflict. Teach children the exact words to use and role play possible scenarios.
*    If words don’t work, tell children they should walk away. When children feel like hurting someone or themselves, they can use an acceptable temporary substitute. If the other child bothers them, they can say, “I want to be alone.”
*    If this isn’t enough, children should walk away and seek adult assistance.

Rehearse this plan with the child before social outings. Eventually, as the child’s verbal skills and self-control improve, the physical aggressiveness will decrease.

Be a role model
Become aware of how you handle you own anger. If you slam doors, throw things, yell, slap, or smack, your child will often imitate these behaviours with others. Instead, use your child’s natural tendency to imitate adults to your advantage. The next time you are faced with an upsetting situation, talk out loud to yourself, knowing a sponge is listening. This will reveal your mental process of choosing appropriate responses to conflict.

Parenting is a two-way learning process. Our children learn from us and constantly provide opportunities for us to learn about ourselves. Teaching our children appropriate anger management skills helps us master these skills as well.

By Jody Johnston Pawel

Jody Johnston Pawel is a licensed social worker who has more than fifteen years experience counselling parents from all walks of life.

Reprinted by permission of Ambris Publishing.

Kids who don’t want to go to school

Here’s a question from a reader:
“How do I get my nine-year-old daughter to school? She seems to have tummy aches or headaches constantly, and misses several days of school each week. Any suggestion that she must go and she screams and cries and seems to be genuinely afraid of going to school. What can we do?”

Situations like this require a firm hand. Do not be tempted to wait and hope that she will eventually go to school by herself. If left too long, she may never go back.
At the same time, recognise that her anxiety and distress are genuine. Getting angry at her will not work.

Try to work out if her fear is about going to school (school phobia), leaving you or home (separation anxiety), or going into crowded public places (agoraphobia).
If it might be the first, check if she is being bullied, teased, embarrassed or abused at, or on the way to, school.

Work closely with the teachers to identify and deal with any problematic situations.
Take her to the doctor for a complete physical examination.

Tell the doctor the whole story and ask him to rule out any serious illnesses.
Once the doctor has done this, believe him! Do not chase after ever more expensive tests. From this point onwards your assumption is that the child is well and so should be in school. Give her firm and confident reassurance that both she and you will be fine when she is there. If she complains again of being unwell you then have two options:
The first is that you insist that she go to school unless there is clear, measurable, evidence that she is sick, for example having a temperature, obvious diarrhoea and vomiting, etc. Just “feeling unwell” is not enough to miss school; after all, many adults have to go to work with headaches or other symptoms.

The second option is to believe her. Since she says she is too unwell to go to school, then clearly she is too unwell to be up and about the house. If she is sick then she is sick, and so she goes to bed: lights off, curtains closed, no TV, no special snacks. Ignore her and go about your normal daily routine. Make sure that the option of staying home is boring. If she is not sleeping, then ideally she should be doing some school work. Certainly there should be no friends or visitors to entertain her.

Along with this, set up clear incentives (rewards, privileges) for getting to school.
You must be tough and firm, but also calm, about all of this. Be clear that you expect her to be at school, but do not get into a fight with her about it. The goal is for her to want to get back as quickly as possible. Once there, and she discovers that nothing does happen to her or to you while at school, the symptoms of depression and anxiety should rapidly resolve.

If none of this works, or if you are concerned about a serious depression or anxiety disorder, seek professional help through your family doctor.

By Dr Noel Swanson