Websites that can help keep your family safe
My father in-law once said “Kids today have too many toys.” His wife replied, “But John, they have lost the greatest thing we had when we were kids.”
We both looked at her and wondered what she was talking about. Then she said, “The freedom to play outside by themselves”.
My mother told me that as a child she and her brother used to play by themselves on the beach for hours without one of their parents watching them. “See-ya Mum! I’ll be home for tea”. Today we live in fear for our children. I know myself if they aren’t back in five minutes from the mailbox, I check on them. Is it just that media has made us more aware of dangerous people? There have always been dangerous people; violence and crime is not a new thing. But lifestyle has changed and in this day and age in New Zealand there are other things to consider such as drugs – they are more common and this increases violence. More people live in cities so fewer children have a chance to grow up with paddocks to run around in, and we are often isolated from relatives. This is why I believe we need to be strong in our communities. Get to know neighbours, be involved in schools and take notice of what happens where we live.
If we take notice, if we open our eyes and speak out, then crime could be reduced.
If you are in danger, or someone you know is at risk of serious harm, contact the police on 111.
Information on domestic violence
The New Zealand Family Violence Clearinghouse is the national centre for collating and disseminating information about domestic and family violence in Aotearoa New Zealand. They provide information and resources for people working towards the elimination of family violence. www.nzfvc.org.nz.
National Campaign for Action on Family Violence
The campaigns message is: Any behaviour that makes someone else feel controlled and fearful is never OK. Everyone in a family should feel safe and nurtured. Here you can find links to the websites of organisations around New Zealand who are committed to supporting individuals and communities to say “Family violence, it’s not OK.” Booklets have been developed to support the campaign work. They can be downloaded or ordered, at no charge, from the website. A community action toolkit can also be downloaded. It includes information about how to get involved in action at a local level to counter family violence www.areyouok.org.nz.
Organisations in your area that can help
The National Directory lists organisations in your area that can help.
www.familyservices.govt.nz/directory/searchproviderpublic.htm?categoryId=966
Women’s Refuge
At Women’s Refuge, there is support and information you need when you are dealing with violence.
www.womensrefuge.org.nz.
0800 Kidsline
This is New Zealand’s original telephone support line for kids. You can call free from anywhere in New Zealand or on your mobile phone to 0800 KIDSLINE (0800 543 754) between 4-6pm weekdays. Kidsline Buddies are specially trained Year 12 and 13 students who still remember what it’s like to go through the stuff other kids are going through. www.kidsline.org.nz.
Every Child Counts
This organisation wants to encourage all political parties to demonstrate their commitment to sustainable social and economic development by putting children at the centre of policy development.
www.everychildcounts.org.nz.
Information and links provided with permission from Helen at www.babywebnz.org.
Emotional intelligence
Are you raising an emotionally intelligent child?
By Marie Roker
Although many parents are concerned with their children’s intelligence quotient (IQ), research shows that a child’s emotional quotient (EQ) is just as important for that child’s personal success.
So what is emotional intelligence? Emotional quotient is your child’s ability to feel, while intelligence quotient is your child’s ability to think.
Although the term was coined in 1990 by psychologists Peter Salovey and John Mayer, the person responsible for bringing more awareness to emotional intelligence is a science writer Daniel Goleman.
Mr Goleman’s book Emotional Intelligence brought to light the importance of a child’s skill of awareness, empathy and ability to manage emotions.
Should we be concerned about the emotional intelligence of our children? Yes, because part of growing up to be responsible, healthy and happy individuals is the ability to show respect, cooperate and have empathy. We live in a society that inundates us with so much technology that we sometimes forget the importance of human contact and relationships. Children need to be able to understand their feelings. We place so much emphasis on behaviour that we neglect the underlying feelings that create these behaviours. Misbehaviour is sometimes caused by an unmet need. According to psychologist Abraham Maslow, “people are motivated by their unsatisfied needs”.
Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs illustrates the five basic human needs:
1. Biological and physiological needs – air, food, drink, shelter, warmth, sex, sleep, etc.
2. Safety needs – protection from elements, security, order, law, limits, stability, etc.
3. Belongingness and love needs – work group, family, affection, relationships, etc.
4. Esteem needs – self-esteem, achievement, mastery, independence, status, dominance, prestige, managerial responsibility, etc.
5. Self-actualisation needs – realising personal potential, self-fulfilment, seeking personal growth and peak experiences.
Only when the lowest of the needs (number 1) is met, can a person start to move up toward fulfilling the other needs. For example, if your child does not feel safe at home, your child can not be expected to perform well in school (number 3 belongingness).
So how can you raise your child’s emotional intelligence?
* For starters with young children, as parents we can demonstrate healthy ways of expressing our own emotions.
* Use the word “I” to own the feeling. Start with “I feel upset when I am not heard.”
* Give the feeling a label for your child: “It looks like you’re sad because your friend could not come over and play.”
* Validate your child’s feelings. Listen, nod your head, use short comments to get them to continue talking. Do not criticise or yell or your child will shut down.
* Make eye contact and pay attention.
As your child grows, help them to understand different emotions and why people react to certain circumstances.
Help your child to identify the following:
- How am I feeling right now?
- Why am I feeling this way?
- How would I like to feel?
The more you help your child understand his/her emotions, the more your child will be able to control impulsive behaviour and cooperate with others.
Reprinted courtesy of www.brainy-child.com
Homework hassles
By Jody Johnston Pawel
Homework is a child’s responsibility, so we need to be careful how much we help. We want to be aware of what our children are doing and be involved in helpful ways, but not help too much. Avoid the word “we” – it implies that homework is our responsibility. Say, “When are you going to do your homework?” If they are having problems, figure out why.
If children have a time management problem, teach them how to schedule their time, instead of taking over and reminding them. Ask questions like, “How much time do you need for homework? Would you like to do homework right after school or right after dinner? How can you remember when it is time to do your homework?”
If children don’t understand homework, ask questions that help them figure out the answer. “What are you supposed to do here? Where in the book does it talk about this?” If children don’t understand the information, we can try explaining it. We do not have to understand what children are learning to be helpful. We just need to know the skills for helping our children find their own answers. If children need daily help, they may benefit from a tutor more than our taking responsibility for helping them. It’s a delicate balance to be helpful, without fostering dependency, rescuing, or helping too much.
If children forget a book, lunch, or homework, teach organisational skills and use problem solving to let children choose self-reminders. Avoid being their reminder or rescuer. Agree to deliver forgotten items no more than three times per year. After that, the child will need to experience the natural consequence of not having the item.
If children don’t see the value of homework, avoid lecturing. Ask questions like, “Why do you think the teacher wants you to do homework? How can doing homework help you? What will happen if you don’t do it?” Offer one brief value statement like, “Sometimes people ask us to do things they feel are important but we don’t. At work I have to do what my boss asks me to do. School is your job and teachers are your boss. You need to follow the school’s rules, even if you don’t agree with them. As long as they aren’t asking you to do something hurtful or wrong, you need to do what they ask to do your job well.”
When children don’t do homework on purpose, it could be one of four reasons:
- Children might act stupid so teachers (or parents) will pay attention and spend time helping them. If the parent/teacher involves the child in meaningful activities or spends other special time with the child, it can prevent or stop this behaviour.
- Children might want to prove that they have power by refusing to cooperate – “You can’t make me.” They also might see if they can get others to take over and do the work for them. After all, if others will take responsibility why not let them?
- Children may not do their homework because they are so discouraged they have given up. Give encouragement, not pressure, and help them break down assignments into smaller tasks to solve.
The two key points to remember about halting homework hassles are (a) you need to identify and resolve the “real issue” that’s causing the problem, and (b) do this in a way that teaches children how to solve their own problems.
Jody Johnston Pawel is a licensed social worker who has more than fifteen years’ experience counselling parents from all walks of life.
Reprinted by permission of Ambis Publishing.
Improving your family’s communication
Imagine this scene: A neighbour is at your house, visiting over a cup of tea. You start feeling irritated and pressured when you realise you are running late for an appointment. What would you say to your neighbour? Imagine the same situation, except it’s your child at the breakfast table. How would it change your response? Is it possible that you might respond in a more disrespectful way?
Even when irritated or impatient, we often make the effort to listen and communicate with friends, acquaintances, and even total strangers with more respect than we give our own children. Most parents would say they value the relationships with their children yet, because of their emotional involvement, find it difficult to communicate respectfully with them at times.
Quality family relationships are becoming increasingly important in our society. With pressures and issues like drugs and sex which children are facing today, the need for open communication and positive family relationships is vital. Today’s children also face dangers not known of in the past. Children are being taught not to blindly obey an adult’s requests if it could be a safety risk. As a result, adults are no longer perceived as infallible and children are encouraged to think/decide for themselves and be more assertive than children in previous generations.
Most parents want their children to feel free to talk to them, yet don’t always know how they can foster this type of relationship. It helps if parents can remember that communication involves proper timing and both talking and listening. When children have a problem, their parents’ efforts at “listening” often result, instead, in lecturing and offering advice. Unsolicited advice provides little opportunity for children to share their feelings and can result in children becoming reliant on others’ influence. In turn, these children may develop inadequate decision-making skills as they mature.
Contemporary child-rearing authorities agree that there is a direct connection between how children feel and how they behave. Parents can help children feel encouraged by accepting their feelings. This is not to say parents have to agree with these feelings. Acceptance means a willingness to allow children to be individuals with preferences and opinions of their own.
Most parents can be very accepting about most of the feelings their children have, unless they say something that makes the parent angry, anxious, or uncomfortable. It is common for parents to then revert to old habits and become defensive. Effective listening involves a respectful attitude, concentration, eye contact, and an effort to stop and think about when to be silent and when/how to respond. A simple nod or word of acknowledgment will let a child know you are listening. When listening, avoid probing questions like “why?” These questions shift the focus from feelings to analysing and children may interpret it as a denial of their feelings. Instead, tune into the feelings, then put the feeling word into a sentence. This will show that you understand and accept how the child feels. Children of all ages learn how to identify their feelings and solve their own problems when parents help give their feelings a name.
Sometimes children will express their negative emotions in inappropriate ways, such as tantrums or yelling. Parents can allow children to feel angry but share specifics about how they can express their anger in acceptable ways. Help them generate ideas for constructive, physical ways to express their anger (i.e., drawing pictures or using a punching bag).
When parents have negative feelings or want more cooperation from their child, they also need to respectfully express themselves. Instead of ordering and nagging, focus on the problem without blaming and give children a chance to decide for themselves what actions they need to take.
Writing notes and using humour or fantasy are creative and fun ways to express both positive and negative feelings.
Finally, here are some tips to encourage your efforts at improving your family’s communication skills. Be authentic with your emotions and wording without blaming the other person. Have the courage to be imperfect – there are no perfect parents. New habits take at least twenty-one days of practice to establish and it is common for children to test parents during this time.
Positive, open communication is only one area that parents can address to improve their effectiveness as parents. Through reading and attending parenting classes, parents can learn how to foster loving, respectful family relationships.
By Jody Johnston Pawel
Jody Johnston Pawel is a licensed social worker who has more than fifteen years’ experience counselling parents from all walks of life.
Reprinted by permission of Ambris Publishing.
When the other parent is poisonous
Here’s a difficult situation a reader is facing:
My stepdaughter is four, and her real mother has been in and out of jail. She gets visitation every other weekend (if she shows up). Every time our daughter comes back from her visitation she is a completely different child. When she gets home she just sits there for hours on end and won’t say anything.
Dr Noel Swanson responds: Having a mum who’s been in and out of jail is a bit unusual, but in other respects this situation is very common with separated parents. Usually, of course, the child is living with mum and goes to dad for the weekend. But the story is often the same: when she comes back from the visits she is either more disruptive and badly behaved, or strangely morose and silent. So what do you do? It is a very difficult situation.
First, let’s be quite clear that putting the child into some sort of therapy is very unlikely to make much of a difference. This is something that needs to be sorted out by the adults. There are essentially two different scenarios.
The first is similar to our reader’s, in which the ‘other’ parent is, in some way ‘poisonous’. The second is when there is simply a difference of parenting styles between one home and the other. In this article I will just deal with the former.
There are several features suggestive of such ‘poison’. One is that of being unreliable for visits – promising to call or show up, but then failing to do so. Often children desperately hope that, this time, dad will phone, or come, or send a present, and yet, time after time, they are let down.
Then, when they do go for a visit, they are often ignored, or merely have to fit in with the adult’s own (often inappropriate) plans. In other words, despite their protestations of how much they care, the child is clearly very low on their list of priorities.
Often too, it is not just the child who is caught up with the manipulations. Many times I have seen mothers changing their plans at the last minute to accommodate a sudden pronouncement from the other as to what they will, or won’t, do this weekend.
Then, in addition to the other parent’s unreliability, they may also use the child as a pawn to convey messages (usually uncomplimentary) to the custodial parent.
Or they may just spend the whole weekend criticising and derogating the mother. All of this is very harmful to the child, as it undermines all sense of worth and belonging.
Children desperately want to be loved and accepted, yet at every turn they seem to be cast off by this parent who, at the same time, keeps saying how much they care. Unfortunately, parents who are this slippery are often equally difficult to deal with through the courts.
They are adept at casting themselves in a good light, since there is rarely any factual evidence to back up mum’s complaints.
If you find yourself in this situation, you need to take some strong and decisive action. But it won’t be easy.
First step is probably to seek some clarity through mediation or the courts. Get a very clear agreement regarding visits:
When will they happen?
At what precise time?
What about phone calls during the week?
What happens if the other parent does not show up?
Then, having got that clarity, stick to it.
Do not allow phone calls outside of the prescribed times.
Do not allow the times of the visits to be changed to the other’s convenience.
If the agreement is for the child to be picked up between 5pm and 6pm on Friday, then wait until 6pm only. If there is another no-show, go out! Do not be available when he finally turns up at 8.30pm expecting to pick up his daughter.
Keep a record of exactly what happens and when.
Do not make excuses for the other parent’s failures. But also do not go on about them either. Focus on making the times with you as secure and ‘normal’ as you can.
Finally, make VERY sure that it is truly the other parent who is being the poisonous one, and not just you having a bias and prejudice against anything your ex-partner might say or do.
I have seen that, too!
What grandparents can do…
Grandparents are very important people in children’s lives. There have been many changes in the last fifty years or so which make grandparenting a whole new ball game. If you look at a picture of grandparents from the 1950s, or earlier, it is likely to show a grey-haired old woman with her knitting or a bald-headed old man with a stick. This was a stereotype, with little relevance to reality even then.
Grandparents can be in their forties or younger, and live an active life for many years. In fact as people live longer, grandparenting can last as many as 30 or 40 years or more.
Being a grandparent is a very special role. It brings an opportunity to do for your grandchildren what you may not have been able to do for your own children.
What grandparents can do for grandchildren
* Spend time with grandchildren in a busy world – time to have fun, time to explore the world and time to just be together.
* Give grandchildren love (without the responsibility of being a parent). Grandfathers, in particular, may not have had the time to spend with their own children in the way that they can now give to their grandchildren.
* Keep the family history alive. Help grandchildren to know where they fit in the world by telling stories about the family history. Tell them stories about their parents when they were young.
* Keep the family networks alive. Keep in touch with family members.
* Let the family know about old family traditions as the family grows and changes and new traditions are built. You can help to keep the best of the old, as you and your family work out new ways to manage celebrations, holidays and birthdays.
* Give security and protection – especially at times when there are family problems. Grandparents can be there for the grandchildren to support and protect them, like a ‘safe haven’.
* Build grandchildren’s self-esteem by taking a personal interest in them. Children are lucky when they have close ties with a grandparent as well as with their parents.
Expectations of grandparents
Grandparents don’t have a set role where they know what their responsibilities are in the same way that parents do. Talk over with your adult children what you expect to do as a grandparent and what they would like you to do. Talk with them about:
* how often you will visit them or they will visit you
* how often you will ring, and when not to ring
* what babysitting you will do. Remember that what you do for the first grandchild may be expected for others. Childcare that you do unwillingly may not be a help to anyone. Be prepared to say if it is too much for you, or you need time to yourself. Looking after yourself might mean saying “No” sometimes
* what you can afford to do and want to do about presents as the family grows bigger.
Listen carefully to your adult children’s views on bringing up children and support them if you possibly can. Talk about any problems with them. If you think differently, bring up your ideas and listen to theirs. They may not do things the way you would, and you may have to accept this in the end.
Grandparenting ideas
* Your house may no longer be child-proof. When grandchildren are young, check that your good things (china and pot plants) and your poisons (from medicines to dishwashing powder) are safely out of reach.
* Have a box of toys, games and books that are special for visits. Add something new occasionally.
* Children love stories. Keep a supply of books to read to them. Tell stories about the family history.
* Read a few recent books on child-rearing so you are up to date with modern ideas.
* Keep up with your grandchildren’s interests. As they grow older take an interest in what they are doing. Listen to some modern music so you can talk or ask questions about it.
* Have your own house rules about the amount and type of television and video watching in your home.
* Be a good listener. Grandparents often have time to give children a real opportunity to talk about their interests and feelings.
* Let them know when you are interested in going to their activities, such as school sports, concerts etc. Go to sports matches and school events if you can, especially if your grandchild’s parents cannot go.
* Teenagers, in particular, often get a lot of value out of the support from their grandparents. (Remember that hairstyles, activities and language are different from when you were a parent and criticism may spoil your relationship).
* Children love to cook and often parents are too busy for this to happen together, so it can be a special novelty to do with you.
Resource: Parenting SA. For more information visit www.parenting.sa.gov.au.
How to improve thinking skills in children
By Andrew Loh
Enhancing thinking skills in your child can be rewarding fun. Nothing can be more effective than asking the right type of questions in an easy going manner.
Questions that you ask should have simple and proper wording. One of the most important things to remember while asking probing questions is to create questions by using different types or levels of thinking.
Your child will not be ready to think on many aspects of life, so your main goal should focus on motivating his or her inner level of consciousness. Experts in human psychology grade thinking skills in humans into six categories. These thinking skills are common to all individuals and you will need to modify or restructure the questions in such a way that your child will understand and comprehend the meaning very easily.
Here are some steps that you can follow to develop thinking skills in your child.
Developing knowledge skills
Knowledge skills include remembering, recalling or retrieving correct, right and appropriate and previously learned information or details to bring or draw out factual and data-based answers which may either be right or wrong.
To develop this skill:
You will need to use words like: “when”, “how”, “what”, “how much”, “how many”, “where”, “tell me”, “detect”, “identify”, “list”, etc. These words are simple to understand and comprehend and they can help you child to answer with a fair degree of certainty.
Sample questions:
* How many oranges are there in one dozen?
* What is this colour?
* Tell me more about this picture.
* When is your birthday?
Developing comprehension skills
In reality, comprehension means grasping, comprehending or understanding the real meaning of things.
To develop this skill:
Use words like: “explain”, “describe”, “guess”, “predict”, “detect”, “identify”, etc. These simple words will help your child to translate, interpret, and guess all those things that are materialistic in nature.
Sample questions:
* Tell me how this dog eats food.
* Explain how this seed becomes a tree.
* Can you guess what this figure is?
Developing application skills
This skill involves applying and adapting previously learned and comprehended information or details to new, strange and unfamiliar scenarios.
To develop this skill:
Use words that urge your child to apply them to new situations. These words could be: “demonstrate”, “show”, “tell”, “solve”, “examine”, “apply”, etc.
Sample questions:
* What is common between this ball and that globe?
* Tell me the difference between a plant and tree.
* Show me how a dog barks.
Developing analysis skills
This skill involves breaking down a given bit of information into a number of parts or segments and later examining them in detail.
To develop this skill:
You can use very simple and easy to understand words like: “what is the main difference”, “analyse”, “discuss”, “explain”, “compare”, “arrange”, etc. When you ask your child simple questions that include these keywords, he or she will start thinking about the question by breaking the questions into many parts.
Sample questions:
* Tell me one simple difference between a plant and baby.
* Can you tell me more about this egg?
* Compare this Barbie and that Mickey. Tell me what the difference is.
Developing synthesis skills
This thinking skill is a bit difficult to learn and understand. It involves applying the previously acquired information, knowledge or skills to gel them together into a clear pattern which was not there before asking.
To develop this skill:
You may need to use simple words and phrases like: “arrange”, “rearrange”, “combine”, “design”, “compose”, “create”, “make”, etc. When you ask questions containing these simple words, your child will start thinking to combine all the clues to form a clear pattern.
Sample questions:
* What happens when you throw that puzzle on the floor?
* How do you make this pattern by using all these pieces of puzzles?
* How could you arrange this room?
Developing evaluation skills
This skill involves judging, inferring, deciding and concluding based on a set of conditions or criteria, without real or wrong answers.
To develop this skill:
You may need to use keywords like: “assess”, “measure”, “quantify”, “explain”, “compare”, etc.
Sample questions:
* What is common between this globe and that egg?
* What would happen if you had a pair of wings?
* Can you tell me the exact number of fruit in that basket?
Reprinted courtesy of www.brainy-child.com
The biggest problems facing youth
By Angela Bennett
What are the biggest problems facing youth today? We could start with the age-old alcohol, drugs and relationships, then move on to more recent developments such as Bebo, MySpace, texts, emails and the entire internet which all pose potential hazards such as bullying, stalking and abduction.
Strangely enough all of these potential minefields, which in themselves can cause further problems such as low self-esteem, learning difficulties and loneliness, are helped or hindered by our parenting.
Therefore you could say the biggest problems facing youth boil down to two things – over- and under-parenting.
Most modern parents can never decide whether they are over-parenting or under-parenting. We are so busy, so concerned and so anxious that we’re usually doing both at once.
Under-parenting
I’m not talking about outright neglect in this instance, although we have an alarmingly high incidence of that in our country. I’m talking about parents who give their children perfectly adequate care but don’t spend enough time or the right kind of time with their children.
Dr Marilyn Heins, MD FAAP says when good parents don’t spend enough time or the right kind of time with their children, the consequences can be most serious.
She breaks it down to age relevant examples.
First she says that some parents fail to stimulate the young infant. “These parents may provide the physical care so their baby is fed, changed, bathed, etc. But the parents think that their baby belongs in her cot all other times.
“These parents do not talk to the baby or sing or play little games. In order for a baby to learn language he or she needs plenty of face-to-face contact with loving parents who talk almost continuously.”
Dr Heins explains that some parents don’t realise they should start this process of interaction at birth because even newborns need to be stimulated. “Some parents don’t understand the importance of talking in an animated, excited way with exaggerated facial expressions. Other parents don’t realise they should talk during the time they are interacting with their baby, naming objects and telling her what they are doing.
She says this failure is often seen in very young mothers, especially those who are single and lack support people to show them how to do it.
Next she explains that some parents fail to play with their children. “Babies and toddlers need to be shown how to play. Many parents supply the toys but never get down on the floor to play with their child. Some parents are too busy but many, again, simply don’t know they are supposed to do this.
Another big area of under-parenting is parents failing to read to their children. Dr Heins says, “If you want your child to succeed at school reading is the key. If you want your child to learn how to read, you must read to the child. How often? Every day. How much? Even 15 minutes a day will give the message that reading is important.”
During school-age years some parents fail to pay attention to their child’s school-work. “Parents today seem to think that once the child is in school education is the teacher’s job. Wrong! A child’s education is dependent on the partnership between school and home.”
The last area where parents are under-parenting is in failing to give their child a sense of the future. “All children need to feel comfortable about themselves and feel they have a future. Those children who do not feel connected to other human beings and who don’t feel there is a future are the children who get into trouble.”
Over-parenting
For many years aspects of under-parenting were perhaps the biggest problems facing children, but recently another type of parenting has emerged that can be detrimental to children’s healthy development – that is the trend by many of the current generation of parents to over-parent their children.
Parent coach Michael Grose says over-parenting occurs when parents solve children’s problems rather than giving them the chance to overcome problems themselves. It occurs when parents allow children to avoid legitimately challenging situations so they won’t be inconvenienced. It also occurs, he says, when too much control or too much order is imposed on children.
“Over-parenting is predominantly a mindset. It is a belief that children can’t overcome difficulties themselves and they can’t cope with discomfort or disappointment. It comes with increased affluence but it can occur in any socio-economic group.”
Grose explains that an over-parented child is a protected, spoiled child.
Dr Michael Ungar, author of Too Safe for their Own Good, explains another aspect of over-parenting. He writes, “Our children are safer physically than at any time in history. Yet without some risk they can’t learn responsibility, and by bubblewrapping them from harm we are instead driving them into trying ever more dangerous behaviour.”
Dr Ungar believes we are creating an entirely new set of problems for children: “anxiety disorders are increasing among children, showing up in both children and young adults who are ill-prepared for the challenges of independent living, university, or work; obesity among children is reaching epidemic proportions along with Type II diabetes and threats of shortened lifespans, largely the result of children being driven everywhere and coddled in structured activities that don’t provide nearly enough exercise; and we are forcing some of our most-loved children to find adventure in the only way they can, through reckless self-endangerment, all in an effort to find the rush that comes with feeling a little older and a little more responsible for their own bodies and minds.”
So how can a parent break from a pattern of over-parenting? Michael Grose says this can be hard because over-parenting can seem normal.
Although not recommended, for obvious reasons, he says, “Parental illness is one way to change over-parenting. When a parent is incapacitated or sick for a lengthy period of time children generally have no choice but to fend for themselves in a whole range of ways. From my observation of families I am constantly amazed how children rise to a challenge when they have to.”
Another way to kick the over-parenting habit is to do so by stealth. “Little by little parents need to pull back on the over-assistance that they provide children. They can start by insisting children walk to school (provided this is reasonable from the perspective of safety); get themselves up each morning or other simple forms of self-help as required. When a new behaviour becomes the norm rather than the exception then it is best to look for another area to withdraw their assistance from.”
It is hard to get the balance right between developing real independence and not placing too much responsibility on children. Effective parenting is a balancing act between the head and the heart, between providing opportunities for resourcefulness and showing compassion, and between being a supportive parent and a protective parent.
Try to provide your children with the same opportunities we had to experience enough risk and responsibility to become competent, caring adults.
Give your children quality interaction every day, even if you are busy and it is just for a short time
Tips to help parents avoid under- and over-parenting:
How to avoid under-parenting:
· Stimulate young children. Talk to your baby, sing or play little games
· Get down on the floor and play with your child
· Read to your child from when they are a baby until they are reading expertly by themselves
· Pay attention to your child’s school-work. Develop a good partnership between home and school
· Give your children quality interaction every day, even if you are busy and it is just for a short time
· If you are very busy ask relatives, siblings and child care workers to help with some of the above ideas so that your child doesn’t miss out
How to avoid over-parenting
· Bear in mind that circumstances such as family breakdown or a change of circumstances can lead to feelings of guilt and over-parenting or overprotection can occur. This doesn’t do the child any favours in the long term
· Slowly pull back on the assistance you provide your children
· Start insisting that they do things for themselves such as organising their sports gear and walking to school
· Give children ideas, tips and techniques to cope with their challenges rather than allowing them to avoid or pull out of a challenge
· Adopt a ‘teach and support’ style of parenting rather than a ‘protect or compensate’ method
· Be wise enough to know when children need your help and compassionate enough to lend a hand once in a while
· Try to provide your children with the same opportunities we had to experience enough risk and responsibility to become competent, caring adults
Dads – start that conversation
By Focus on the Family’s Executive Director, Tim Sisarich.
This issue, I had wanted to share with you our desperate need to coach our kids through the turbulent teen years. I have just been reading some stats that really frighten me, and that frightened Oprah Winfrey too, when she covered teen sexuality in a recent show.
But as I was researching and reading through material for this, I came across something that Rob Parsons of Care for the Family, wrote. It struck me so deeply… it’s about how we choose to invest ourselves into our children’s lives.
He said, “You know, my kids are grown up now. But when they were small I made some bad mistakes in terms of being just too busy. I’d get home late in the evenings. My wife had long since given up trying to talk to me at that hour of the day, but two small children hadn’t. A small boy would say, ‘Dad, I scored a goal today,’ a little girl would say ‘Susan pulled my hair again.’
“But I would just grunt back over the newspaper, practically in a comatose state.
I’d be there until the phone rang. Suddenly, I’d be alive and two small children would be watching me. And they weren’t stamping or kicking – it would have been better for me if they had been. But the message they were getting loud and clear was: ‘This matters to him.’
“And one day,” Parsons writes, “it dawned on me – unless I changed, my kids’ lives were going to slip right through my fingers. I remember I’d been reading Katie a bedtime story. She’d have been about four years old and in the middle, the telephone rang. She said, ‘Dad, please don’t take it’. She may as well have asked me not to breathe. I dived downstairs, took the call. And then another one, and then I made a few calls myself. And suddenly, I remembered that I’d not turned the frog back from a prince, and I rushed back upstairs. But little eyes had fought to stay awake as long as they possibly could.”
I read this from Rob Parsons at the beginning of a week. I had just spent the weekend working, one of those unavoidable things, and I was hit by the power of it! If we want our children to not just listen to us when they are in their teens, but to actually hear what we’re saying enough to respect our decisions and follow them, we have to take the time to be there for them at two, at four, on the first day of school, for their first big disappointment… Kids want us, not the things we think we need to or can give them.
So let’s get the conversation started with our kids today! Don’t wait for the ‘right moment’ because the right moment is now.
Travelling Tips
While we live in the North Island, my family is in Southland and my husband’s are in Wales, so in order to visit it has meant travelling. I have only had to do this with two children so I’m unsure how others cope with more. A friend told me she travelled back to UK with 10-month-old twins and a two-year-old. She said at the airports she had one twin in a front pack the other in a back pack, luggage in one hand, and was holding onto her daughter with the other.
Planes
If travelling overseas you will need to organise a passport for your child. Taking the photo can take a few attempts. The authorities want a front profile with eyes open, which can be hard to get with newborns and toddlers as they want to shut their eyes or turn their head when a camera flashes. With newborns younger than six months it is hard to know what to record for their details: eye colour: blue turning brown, hair colour: brown turning blonde, height: changes on a daily basis and signature – well, that could be interesting!
Ask the airline for a sky cot and baby food (if on solids) when you make the booking.
Taking a tri-pillow is useful if breastfeeding. It is also good for them to sleep on when you need to hold onto them. You may find that you get your baby off to sleep in the sky-cot and the plane hits turbulence and you have to take them out and put onto your knee with the baby seat belt on, so you may find it easier to have them sleep on the tri-pillow on your knee with the seat belt around them. The bulkhead seats have more room, but the armrests are fixed. The airlines often provide you with baby food, but ask about 10 – 15 minutes in advance of wanting it, as the airhostesses are often busy.
Breastfeed or give a bottle on take-off and descent as sucking is meant to help reduce the pressure in their ears. Changing nappies in the toilets is a challenge as there isn’t much room. Some airlines provide you with a few nappies and baby wipes on international flights, but best to have your own supply just in case, plus some spare clothes for the baby and yourself as they may vomit or wet through their nappy. Double nappies are an option: have a pull-up nappy over the top of a normal one. Depending on their age, consider a spill-resistant cup to give them water as travelling can cause dehydration. A digital thermometer, bibs, new toys (that they haven’t seen before), baby wipes and baby snacks in the baby bag all come in handy. You will have to consider if you plan to take your car seat, as most taxis don’t carry them. If you have a spare seat beside you can on the plane you can take your car seat and strap it (like you would in the car) and have your baby sleep in it for a period of time. Talk to the airline staff about this first to make sure there is room.
I find it easier to try and keep to their normal sleep pattern on the plane and on arrival. If going to a completely different time zone it will take your child some time to adjust. There will be some nights when they wake up wanting to play.
For a website with lots of air travel tips see www.flyingwithkids.com.
When you book your seats, use www.seatguru.com to help work out which row is best for your needs.
DIYFather.com is an online interactive forum for dads that offers resources, discussion groups and practical information about parenting from a male perspective. DIYFather.com was set up by a group of Wellington-based dads. See www.diyfather.com/content/babies-on-planes.
Airlines will have question and answer sections on their web sites. Go to Air New Zealand’s website at www.airnewzealand.co.nz for information about baby amenities.
Baby amenity kits are available on board long-haul international flights only. Bassinets are designed for infants of average size up to eight months old. The bassinets are made up with sheets, pillow and blankets. Bassinets fitted on the Boeing aircraft measure 81x33x25cm (32x13x10″) and have a maximum weight restriction of 12kg (26lbs). Bassinets fitted on the Airbus A320 aircraft measure 75x34x22cm and have a maximum weight restriction of 11kg or 24.25lbs.
There are only a limited number of bassinet positions on any aircraft so it is important to request a bassinet seat when making your booking. Pre-allocation of bassinet seats is only available for infants up to the age of eight months on a first come, first served basis.
Cars
When travelling by car it is important to make regular stops, allowing your baby to move around for a while. Ensure that they don’t get too hot and have a baby sunscreen on the window beside them. Dressing your baby in natural breathable clothes also helps to keep them comfortable.
Babies usually sleep well in car seats. Most parents have heard a story of someone driving around and around the block trying to get their baby to sleep. There is research about the amount of time babies should spend in car seats. Remember that their spines are still immature. See the Land Transport Authority at www.ltsa.govt.nz
Accommodation
If staying overnight book your accommodation in advance. Request a port-a-cot and a quiet room. If there is no adult bath you can use ask for a baby bath. Otherwise you can have a shower with your baby, but it is not always an easy thing to do.
Parents’ rooms
When stopping in towns that you don’t know, it can take some time finding a parents’ room to change a nappy. Most shopping malls have parents’ rooms and are sometimes better than the public ones. You could always write to your council if your local town doesn’t provide good facilities where you can change and feed your baby. In New Zealand you can also use the Plunket rooms but in smaller towns these may be only open at limited times. The Plunket web site is www.plunket.org.nz
Buggies and strollers
If you live somewhere with lots of hills, a three-wheel buggy is handy. Before buying a buggy, check that it can fit into the boot of the car. Also, if you are considering having another baby, find out if your buggy can be adapted to hold two children. Most strollers don’t recline enough for newborns and you can only use them once your baby has good head control and can sit up.
Front and back-packs
With a front-pack a newborn usually faces inwards. When they have head control they can face outwards, which they often prefer as they want to see everything. They can also see a lot with backpacks, though it gives them easy access to pull your hair!
For travel equipment see the online shopping pages on babywebnz. www.babywebnz.org.nz/display/BabyWebNZ/Shopping_Baby+Travel
by Helen Pulford at www.babywebnz.org
BabyWebNZ is a web site linking you to other web sites related to pregnancy, childbirth, babycare and parenting. These are web sites of interest found by a New Zealand midwife. BabyWebNZ has no control over the content or accuracy of these web sites - www.babywebnz.org/Disclaimer.php.
