Talking to your child about alcohol and drugs

Alcohol and drugs are all around us. They can make people feel more confident, outgoing and happy. They are also a way in which people get out of it and escape stress and hassles. “So,” asks www.headspace.org.nz, “what’s the problem?” They answer the question tailoring it to the young, but it is relevant to people of all ages. “Using drugs and alcohol can lead to lots of problems for young people. They can lead to people messing up their relationships, having physical health problems, not coping with school or work and sometimes ongoing mental health problems.

“Alcohol and drugs interfere with a person’s perception of reality and ability to make good decisions. This can be particularly hazardous for kids and teens who have less problem-solving and decision-making experience.”

There are many organisations that inform children and adults about alcohol, drugs and their effects. One helpful resource is Get the Msg, a service of the New Zealand Drug Foundation. Simply text the name of the drug you want to know about to “DRUG” (3784). You will then receive a short factual health and safety message about that drug, as well as links to further information and help. The service recognises most slang names for drugs and the word “help”.

The Drug Foundation firmly believes that better knowledge and understanding about drugs is a key way New Zealand can reduce risks to individuals and the community. “Communication that is non-judgemental and factual helps minimise drug harms,” the foundation states.

So when should you begin talking to your children about drugs and alcohol?

Most health practitioners agree that it’s never too early to teach our children about the dangers of drugs.

The following extract from KidsHealth* outlines steps you can take long before your child is presented with alcohol or drugs to increase the chances that he or she will make good decisions in the future.

Preschoolers

Although three and four-year-olds won’t be ready to learn the facts about alcohol or other drugs, they can begin to develop the decision-making and problem-solving skills they will need later on. You can help them develop those skills in some simple ways.

It’s a good idea to allow your toddler to select his or her own clothing. Try not to worry if the choices don’t match. Instead, let your child know that you think he or she is capable of making good decisions. Encourage your child to perform age-appropriate tasks and let your child know what a big help he or she is.

It’s also important to provide a good example of the behaviour that you want your child to demonstrate. This is especially true in the preschool years when kids tend to imitate adults’ actions as a way of learning. So, by being active, eating healthy, and drinking responsibly, parents can help teach their children important lessons.

Ages 4 to 7

Kids in this stage still think and learn primarily by experience and they don’t have a good understanding of things that will happen in the future. Therefore, it’s a good idea to keep discussions about alcohol in the present tense and relate them to people and events that your child knows and understands.

Most children at this age are interested in how their bodies work, so this is a good time to talk about maintaining good health and avoiding substances that might harm the body. You may want to tell your child alcohol hurts your ability to see, hear, and walk down the pavement without tripping; it alters the way you feel; and it doesn’t let you judge as well to see whether the water is too deep or if there’s a car coming too close. And it gives you bad breath and a headache!

Ages 8 to 11

The later elementary school years are a crucial time in which you can influence your child’s decisions about alcohol use. Kids at this age tend to love to learn facts, especially strange ones, and they are eager to learn how things work and what sources of information are available to them. This is a good time to openly discuss facts about alcohol, the long- and short-term effects and consequences of using alcohol, the effects of alcohol on different parts of the body, and why it’s especially dangerous for growing bodies.

A child can also be heavily influenced by his or her friends at this age. A child’s interests may be determined by what a group of friends thinks. So this is a good time to teach your child to say "no" to peer pressure and stress and the importance of thinking and acting as an individual. Casual discussions about alcohol and friends can take place at the dinner table as part of your normal conversation: "I’ve been reading about young kids using alcohol. Do you ever hear about kids using alcohol or other drugs in your school?" When you ask these questions, it’s important to respond to your child’s answers in a way that’s not judgmental.

Ages 12 to 17

During the teen years, kids are more likely to engage in risky behaviours. Their increasing need for independence may make kids want to defy their parents’ wishes or instructions as a way of asserting their independence.

But if you make your child feel accepted and respected as an individual, you will increase the chances that your child will try to be open with you. Kids want to be liked and accepted by their peers, and they need a certain degree of privacy and trust. You can help show your teen that you respect him or her by avoiding discipline methods such as excessive lecturing and threats. By showing an interest and expressing concern for your child, you are showing your love and concern. Even if your child appears annoyed by your interest, he or she may still recognise that it is an important part of your parental role.

Risk factors

Children who have problems with self-control or low self-esteem are more likely to abuse alcohol and drugs. These kids may not believe that they can handle their problems and frustrations without taking something to make them feel better.

Children who lack a sense of connectedness with their families or who feel they are different in some way may also be at risk. Children who find it hard to believe in themselves desperately need the love and support of parents or other family members. In fact, not wanting to harm the relationships between themselves and the adults who care about them is the most common reason that young people give for not using alcohol and other drugs.

*This information was provided by KidsHealth, one of the largest resources online for medically reviewed health information wrtiten for parents, kids and teens. For more articles like this one, visit KidsHealth.org of TeensHealth.org © 1995 – 2008. The Nemours Foundation. All rights reserved.

Parenting tips

Fortunately, there is a lot that parents can do to protect their children from using and abusing alcohol and drugs:

• Be a good role model. Consider how your use of alcohol or medications may influence your child.
• Educate yourself about alcohol and drugs so you can be a better teacher to your child.
• Try to be conscious of how you can help build your child’s self-esteem. For example, children are more likely to feel good about themselves if you emphasise their strengths and positively reinforce healthy behaviours.
• Teach your child to manage stress in healthy ways, such as by seeking help from a trusted adult or engaging in a favourite activity.

Teach your child to say “no”

Teach your child to ask questions. If an unknown substance is offered, your child can ask, "What is it?" or "Where did you get it?"

• Remind your child that he or she should leave a situation if he or she doesn’t feel comfortable with what’s going on
• Teach your child never to accept a ride from someone who has been drinking
• Encourage your child to say "no thanks" if he or she is offered alcohol or drugs. Give them permission to use you as an excuse: “My mum will kill me if I drink/take that!”
• Get to know your children’s friends, where they hang out and what they like to do
  Make friends with the parents of your children’s friends so you can reinforce each others’ efforts
• Encourage teens for all the things they do well and for the positive choices they make

Hot tips for 5 – 12 year olds

While most of what we impart to our children is unconscious, there are some tangible ways we can instil values in our children:

• If children want to take up an activity that you have to pay for, make it clear that they have to stick with it term by term. They can’t just give it up six weeks down the track when they’re fed up with early morning swimming lessons, piano practice, etc.
• Show respect for your children as they are. Ask for their input on family holiday plans or house improvements and help them learn to make choices and decisions. If they love doing paintings, get some framed and display them. Use simple courtesies like "please" and "thank you" when you speak to them.
• Teach young children about their bodies, and how to say "no" to wrong touching. Talk openly about sex with your children as they grow up, and also about alcohol and drugs.
• Have family rules – they teach children values and respect for themselves and others. Don’t allow them to deride you or each other or use abusive language. (For example, you could say: "I have too much respect for myself to listen to this.")
• In shops, teach preschoolers about having to pay before you take items. Give older children pocket money so they can learn about saving for things they want.
• Teach your child to voice their needs to other children. At the same time, teach them to hear when others express their needs when they are playing together. Teach children about sharing, but also appreciate this does not come naturally for them.
• Ensure your home is a welcoming place for your children to bring their friends to. Having friends apart from the family is important for a child’s development. But teach them how to say "no" to doing things they don’t want to do or know are wrong. Spend some time performing ‘what if’ role plays about all kinds of situations.
• Build up the family by doing things together – a work project like having a garage sale can be followed by a shared ‘reward’.
• Establish some enjoyable family traditions. For example, regular holidays together as a family. One family points out, "We like the idea of our kids looking back and remembering how, when they were young, they went to bed in their day clothes, all ready to set off at 3am."
• Decide on a joint family project to help others in need: a trip to the supermarket to choose grocery items for the foodbank; sponsor a child or project in a third world country;
• volunteer as a family to collect for IHC.
• Keep in contact with elderly family members and you will teach children to respect the
• elderly; regularly visit an elderly person in a retirement home with your children.
• Teach acceptance of different cultural ways by reaching out to new immigrants in your neighbourhood or school. Offer to act as a ‘homestay family’ for a cultural exchange student.

Teach children how to use spare time productively so they can have a sense of accomplishment in what they have achieved. Watch a television programme, such as Shortland Street, with your children and talk about the issues raised. Encourage them to look at the advertising they see and question: How honest is it? What values is it trying to sell?

Reprinted courtesy of Parents Inc – a not-for-profit organisation dedicated to making life better for parents and their children. For more information visit www.parentsinc.co.nz